Tenryu Woke Up Feelin' Dangerous, Put Some Bullets in His Gun, Brown Liquor in His Coffee and He Called the Boss's Son

Genichiro Tenryu & Motoshi Okuma v Riki Choshu & Animal Hamaguchi (All Japan, 1/3/85) - GREAT

Motoshi Okuma! Until probably two months ago I don't think I'd ever seen a Motoshi Okuma match. If you'd previously asked me for my thoughts on Motoshi Okuma I wouldn't have known who he was. Is that a tennis player? One of those video game developers? A random person off the street? Yet I've now seen a handful of Motoshi Okuma matches and I've spent every waking moment of my existence since that first glorious experience asking myself how in the fuck he never became a megastar. He wrestled for 30 years, debuting in 1962, before retiring in June of 1992, passing away later that year at 51 years old. It's fitting that he was Tenryu's partner here because he was pretty much the perfect WAR wrestler. Short, lumpy, awful haircut, looks like one of the Dingles from Emmerdale, spends the whole time clonking people on the head. He's the sort of wrestler you look at and think, "I bet this guy's entire offensive repertoire is headbutts," and then you watch him and you're right! He just headbutts fuckin everybody and it rules! He threw like eight corkers in this, two of which landing right on Hamaguchi's nose. The first time he did it I thought it might've been an accident and Hamaguchi sold it - or reacted to it - like he was not expecting to be headbutted in the nose. You could tell it hurt like a bastard. But then Okuma just grabbed him and did it again straight away! He wanted to step to Choshu every chance he could and headbutted him several times, then later he split Hamaguchi's head open like a melon. The payback later with Hamaguchi hitting a top rope elbow while Choshu applies the Scorpion Deathlock looked like it took Okuma's head off like a guillotine. This is the earliest Choshu in All Japan match I've seen, which makes it the earliest Choshu v Tenryu match I've seen, and maybe it's the earliest Choshu v Tenryu this crowd have seen because they are ridiculous for everything. Tenryu wants him a piece and Choshu antagonises him constantly, then Okuma will walk in and headbutt someone and this was basically the origin story of WAR. Not for a single second do you doubt who's taking the fall, but you better believe he's going out on his shield. 

Complete & Accurate Tenryu

Terry Funk: a one-eyed outlaw. Jerry Lawler: a lover of chickens.

Terry Funk v Jerry Lawler (Empty Arena Match) (Memphis, 4/6/81)

This might just be the greatest THING in wrestling history. Like, it's not a match, it's not quite an angle, it's a little of both, but everyone involved - right down to the cameraman - is basically perfect in what they do. Even the way it's set up, how it's a logical progression from their last match and the way they actually arrive at this destination. Memphis always had (and maybe still has?) the rep of being a goofy territory with all sorts of ludicrous angles, but there weren't many other territories that consistently set up and paid off feuds as coherently as Memphis. Lawler already beat Terry a couple weeks before this, then he went and beat Dory while Jimmy Hart swung from the rafters in a harness. Terry won't take this lying down, convinced as he is that the city of Memphis is conspiring against him and everyone who steps to Lawler. His promo leading up to this is one of the all-time great Terry Funk promos. Lawler has everyone on his side, from the fans to the referees to the promoters to even Lance Russell, the latter rolling his eyes and taking all of this in like only Lance can. Terry calls Lawler the son of a jackass and a lover of chickens who only cares about filling his pockets. Lawler's a pig, but he's hungry for money rather than SLOP. Terry has TEXAS PRIDE and he wants Lawler in a fair fight, but the only way it'll be fair is if Lawler comes alone. No fans, no referee, only Lawler, Funk, and Lance Russell and a cameraman to bear witness. 

The actual match-angle-segment-whatever begins with Lance and cameraman Randy West down by the ring in the empty Mid South Coliseum. Lance sparks up a cigarette, not quite sure if this madness is actually going to happen but settling in for the wait just in case, eleven thousand unoccupied seats surrounding them. Funk shows up first, a few minutes after the agreed upon 1 o'clock. Of course he's out raving like a maniac and this might be the very best raving maniac Terry Funk performance of them all. He was unbelievable through all of this. Lance tries to placate him and tells him Lawler might just be caught in traffic, but Funk is having none of it. He calls Lawler and jackass and a son of a bitch and Lance is ten thousand percent Lance Russell. "C'mon Terry, we'd like to use this footage but we won't be able to if you keep swearing like that." For every second that passes with Lawler being absent Funk gets even more manic and paranoid, cursing up and down despite Lance's protests, counting that chicken-loving coward Lawler out, declaring himself the winner. "I've put up with this shit long enough. I've heard enough of YOUR shit, I've heard enough shit from the people of Memphis, I've heard enough shit from everybody." Funk was basically a one-man tirade and that on its own was incredible, but Lance trying to keep a lid on him was absolutely perfect and I'd have been happy had they continued down that road for another ten minutes. 

Then Lawler shows up, maybe a little fashionably late, resplendent in white with his crown worn proudly. Funk: "Don't you realise there's nobody here? You JACKASS!" He even asks Lawler if he's got a gun or a knife on him. I love how Lawler approaches this, the way he measures the situation before getting in the ring, how he knows exactly what to expect from Funk which means you expect ANYTHING. The actual "match" part of this is pretty short, probably about seven minutes, but of course it rules because it's these two throwing punches and chucking each other into rows of seats. I loved the wild swings early, the desperation takedowns, how they'd back up and gather themselves before resuming. It really felt like a proper bar brawl, though I suppose this bar brawl had spilled from the foyer into the ring. Either way it wasn't a wrestling match and the fact it happened in a ring didn't change that. Lawler heaves Funk into a stack of chairs and opens him up with one. Funk breaks a metal sign and clobbers Lawler in the head with it, then smashes him face first into a table. Funk's shrieking as he does this is sort of disturbing and when he breaks a wooden chair leg into a weapon you absolutely buy him wanting to kill Lawler. There was nothing funny about this, no Terry Funk goofiness - he'd been pushed past the brink and it made him even more dangerous than usual. Lance is appalled when he tries to stab Lawler in the eye, but Lawler turns it around by kicking that stake into Funk's face. You've probably seen a clip of Funk wailing and clutching his eye, shouting "MY EYE" over and over as Lawler stands over him with the piece of wood. It's one of those iconic Memphis moments that even WWE had trotted out on their old 24/7 channel. Obviously Funk is incredible here, a man whose whole tough guy act has crumbled and given way to self-preservation, terror at the thought of being blinded in place of that earlier hubris. Lawler taking a look at the stake in his hand before dropping it in disgust is such an amazing touch, and as he walks away you can tell that he won't be able to scrub himself clean that night no matter how hard he tries. Did he win? He never LOST, but how can you win something like that? Where's the satisfaction in it? Of course after Lawler is gone and Lance tries to send for a doctor Funk goes back to calling him a coward. "He's yella. He's yella. He's yella. He's a yella son of a BITCH." 

This was my #2 back in the long ago time of 2008 when we did the 80s Memphis project. I've watched most of that stuff again at least once since then and while I'd never profess to have been a genius in my youth, I feel pretty confident in saying I wasn't an idiot on this particular thing. An awesome bit of the pro wrestling. 

Buddy v Adonis (we're back to Portland)

Buddy Rose v Adrian Adonis (Portland, 9/1/79)

It feels trite to even say it at this point, as you could say it for almost every single match Rose had in Portland from like 1977-1983, but this was yet another example of maybe the most versatile wrestler ever working a very different match than any he's worked before or after. It's pretty remarkable, and I know it was almost a necessity as he worked the same arena in front of the same crowd every week for nearly six years straight. But still, the creativity is astounding and he was clearly a guy who took immense pride in his craft. This ruled, of course. In a vacuum, taken in context, whatever you like - it was a badass wrestling match. They start real tentatively, or at least Rose does as he really doesn't want to engage in a fight. He backs up, slithers out the ring, slithers in, backs up again, bumps into Sandy Barr who shoves him away, and with every passing second the anticipation builds for him finally being popped in the mouth. Rose takes his first huge bump off a gorilla press slam, which is pretty wild considering the fact he's hardly a cruiserweight, but then Adonis crashes and burns on a missed splash and Buddy goes for the kill. He takes the first fall with a quick string of offence, everything targeted on the midsection, with a big gutbuster, a couple mean double stomps and a roll up. In very Portland fashion that continues into the second fall and I loved Rose staying on the midsection with a fucking stomach claw. That move isn't always the most compelling, but he went after it like he was trying to wring out a dishcloth and Adonis sold it like his spleen was being squished like Plasticine. When Adonis makes his comeback there's a great bit on the floor where Rose tries to run away only to be sunset flipped, and I love Sandy Barr making the count outside the ring just because. He would always do random shit like that and the people always popped huge for it. Adonis taking the return fall with the spinning toe hold bleeds into the third fall and obviously Rose sells the leg like death after hitting the Billy Robinson backbreaker. By the end they both literally try to rip each other's eyeball out and this was some of the nastiest eye-gouging you'll see. Even the DQ finish ruled, with Rose grabbing a pen that someone had chucked at him and stabbing Adonis in the eye with it! I remembered this being awesome and I can happily report I was not wrong.