Saturday 7 March 2020

Whiskey & Wrestling Turns 10!

Honestly, when I started this dumb thing ten whole fucking years ago to the very day (!!!), I half expected to stop giving a shit about it after a couple months and never go back to it. I wouldn't have thought I'd still be writing words about wrestling a full decade later. Yet here we are. And to celebrate I watched some ATTITUDE!


Cactus Jack & Chainsaw Charlie v New Age Outlaws (Dumpster Match) (Wrestlemania XIV, 3/29/98)

What a fuckload of fun. Funk is certifiable, Foley is nuts and there are a solid handful of spots only those two would do. Road Dogg Russian leg sweeps Foley into the dumpster and then he and Billy repeatedly smash the lid off Funk and Foley's heads. Lawler: "Funk's used to that; he hits his head off the toilet seat every time he goes for a drink of water." Foley and Billy take a wild bump off a ladder into the closed dumpster and then Billy fucking powerbombs Funk off the apron into the dumpster, which was ludicrous. I don't know if it was the powerbomb that did it, but Funk crawls around later with blood up his back. Foley and the Outlaws end up backstage and Funk appears from nowhere driving a forklift. Foley DDTs Billy on the crate attached to said forklift and then Funk drops both Outlaws into another dumpster, covering the lid with the forklift. He then shouts like a maniac and throws punches at the dumpster. Funk as old man psycho is the best and someone in the crowd has a pair of tights over his head, so clearly I'm not alone in thinking that. I'd take this easily ahead of most of the overwrought propfests WWE trot out these days.


Steve Austin v Dude Love (Over the Edge, 5/31/98)

This is peak Attitude Era and maybe the perfect example of everything the WWF was about at the time. Everybody involved in it rules, as does everything they do. That goes as far back as Patterson doing the intros, where he spends about five minutes introducing Gerry Brisco and shilling Gerry's autoshop, much to everybody's disgust. Then he introduces McMahon and someone pelts him with a bit of rubbish as he's walking to the ring. Undertaker coming out just before the match starts is another great moment and you believe Ross when he says nobody does PPV like the Dubya Dubya Eff. Pretty much all he does is skulk about like a big creepy nightclub bouncer, but you buy his presence alone keeping McMahon from going into full fuck it mode and just screwing Austin out the belt. Then his proper involvement later is amazing. First five minutes are fairly bland, honestly. What they're doing it fine and everything but it's not until they take it to the floor when things pick up, although Vince making Austin break clean and Austin flipping him the double bird was amazing. There are a few shots of Vince throughout the match where he has a look of pure hatred on his face and the way he looked sick to death of Austin at that moment was incredible. When Patterson "reminds" us that it's no DQ the match gets awesome. Even JR and Lawler on commentary rule and JR is apoplectic every time Patterson adds another stipulation. "What? WHAT?! Since when?! That isn't fair!" Austin launches Foley across the timekeeper's table, which wipes out Brisco, then about kills Foley with a clothesline over the barricade and wades into the crowd with the middle fingers up. Everybody just goes ballistic and there really was nobody else like him. The way he moves, how he conducts himself, he was ten thousand percent redneck fury. He stomps on Brisco as he's climbing back over the rail, which obviously ruled, and then a few minutes later Gerry gets up waving the timekeeper's hammer to make sure we all know he's fine. All the stuff on the ramp and up by the cars is great; Austin's backdrop on the hood of one car where he smashes the windshield, Foley doing a fucking sunset flip off a car hood, his attempt at a running elbow drop off another hood, Austin getting thrown off the roof of a car and about hurling himself ten feet across the concrete. For a guy with chronic neck issues he was pretty nuts with the bumping. Final stretch back in the ring brings it down to earth a bit, but those final two minutes are absolute perfection. Undertaker chokeslamming Patterson through the table was biblical and then he does the same to Brisco. McMahon taking the ridiculous chairshot, Austin hitting the Stunner and using Vince's limp hand to count -- all one big example of overbooked madness done perfectly. Probably the gem of WWF's most iconic run as a company.


Owen Hart v Ken Shamrock (Dungeon Match) (Fully Loaded, 7/26/98)

What an awesome little seven minutes (if it even went that long). They totally nail the ambiance here as Shamrock enters the legendary Hart Family Dungeon from upstairs and then they proceed to batter fuck out each other the entire time. It felt like a super gritty, nasty fight, and the close up camera work really let us hear the smack on every hit. Some of the bits where they're ramming each other into the wall were brutal and the part where Owen was smashing the back of Shamrock's head into it looked like a Scorsese murder scene. Owen swings from a pipe in the ceiling to apply a headscissors, then Shamrock does it and Owen reverses it into a powerbomb. Owen grew up in this dungeon, he knows how to use the environment to his advantage and Shamrock trying that shit is a fool's errand. He also gives Shamrock a German suplex and every flat back bump they take looks wild because there's no mat on the floor. Shamrock reversing the Sharpshooter into the ankle lock looked killer and Owen throwing him up so his head goes through the ceiling about had me on the floor. Every strike was snug and Owen clobbering Shamrock with a - gimmicked - dumbbell at the finish was amusing if nothing else. This ruled very much. 

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