Terry Funk v Jerry Lawler (Empty Arena Match) (Memphis, 4/6/81)
This might just be the greatest THING in wrestling history. Like, it's not a match, it's not quite an angle, it's a little of both, but everyone involved - right down to the cameraman - is basically perfect in what they do. Even the way it's set up, how it's a logical progression from their last match and the way they actually arrive at this destination. Memphis always had (and maybe still has?) the rep of being a goofy territory with all sorts of ludicrous angles, but there weren't many other territories that consistently set up and paid off feuds as coherently as Memphis. Lawler already beat Terry a couple weeks before this, then he went and beat Dory while Jimmy Hart swung from the rafters in a harness. Terry won't take this lying down, convinced as he is that the city of Memphis is conspiring against him and everyone who steps to Lawler. His promo leading up to this is one of the all-time great Terry Funk promos. Lawler has everyone on his side, from the fans to the referees to the promoters to even Lance Russell, the latter rolling his eyes and taking all of this in like only Lance can. Terry calls Lawler the son of a jackass and a lover of chickens who only cares about filling his pockets. Lawler's a pig, but he's hungry for money rather than SLOP. Terry has TEXAS PRIDE and he wants Lawler in a fair fight, but the only way it'll be fair is if Lawler comes alone. No fans, no referee, only Lawler, Funk, and Lance Russell and a cameraman to bear witness.
The actual match-angle-segment-whatever begins with Lance and cameraman Randy West down by the ring in the empty Mid South Coliseum. Lance sparks up a cigarette, not quite sure if this madness is actually going to happen but settling in for the wait just in case, eleven thousand unoccupied seats surrounding them. Funk shows up first, a few minutes after the agreed upon 1 o'clock. Of course he's out raving like a maniac and this might be the very best raving maniac Terry Funk performance of them all. He was unbelievable through all of this. Lance tries to placate him and tells him Lawler might just be caught in traffic, but Funk is having none of it. He calls Lawler and jackass and a son of a bitch and Lance is ten thousand percent Lance Russell. "C'mon Terry, we'd like to use this footage but we won't be able to if you keep swearing like that." For every second that passes with Lawler being absent Funk gets even more manic and paranoid, cursing up and down despite Lance's protests, counting that chicken-loving coward Lawler out, declaring himself the winner. "I've put up with this shit long enough. I've heard enough of YOUR shit, I've heard enough shit from the people of Memphis, I've heard enough shit from everybody." Funk was basically a one-man tirade and that on its own was incredible, but Lance trying to keep a lid on him was absolutely perfect and I'd have been happy had they continued down that road for another ten minutes.
Then Lawler shows up, maybe a little fashionably late, resplendent in white with his crown worn proudly. Funk: "Don't you realise there's nobody here? You JACKASS!" He even asks Lawler if he's got a gun or a knife on him. I love how Lawler approaches this, the way he measures the situation before getting in the ring, how he knows exactly what to expect from Funk which means you expect ANYTHING. The actual "match" part of this is pretty short, probably about seven minutes, but of course it rules because it's these two throwing punches and chucking each other into rows of seats. I loved the wild swings early, the desperation takedowns, how they'd back up and gather themselves before resuming. It really felt like a proper bar brawl, though I suppose this bar brawl had spilled from the foyer into the ring. Either way it wasn't a wrestling match and the fact it happened in a ring didn't change that. Lawler heaves Funk into a stack of chairs and opens him up with one. Funk breaks a metal sign and clobbers Lawler in the head with it, then smashes him face first into a table. Funk's shrieking as he does this is sort of disturbing and when he breaks a wooden chair leg into a weapon you absolutely buy him wanting to kill Lawler. There was nothing funny about this, no Terry Funk goofiness - he'd been pushed past the brink and it made him even more dangerous than usual. Lance is appalled when he tries to stab Lawler in the eye, but Lawler turns it around by kicking that stake into Funk's face. You've probably seen a clip of Funk wailing and clutching his eye, shouting "MY EYE" over and over as Lawler stands over him with the piece of wood. It's one of those iconic Memphis moments that even WWE had trotted out on their old 24/7 channel. Obviously Funk is incredible here, a man whose whole tough guy act has crumbled and given way to self-preservation, terror at the thought of being blinded in place of that earlier hubris. Lawler taking a look at the stake in his hand before dropping it in disgust is such an amazing touch, and as he walks away you can tell that he won't be able to scrub himself clean that night no matter how hard he tries. Did he win? He never LOST, but how can you win something like that? Where's the satisfaction in it? Of course after Lawler is gone and Lance tries to send for a doctor Funk goes back to calling him a coward. "He's yella. He's yella. He's yella. He's a yella son of a BITCH."
This was my #2 back in the long ago time of 2008 when we did the 80s Memphis project. I've watched most of that stuff again at least once since then and while I'd never profess to have been a genius in my youth, I feel pretty confident in saying I wasn't an idiot on this particular thing. An awesome bit of the pro wrestling.
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