"Very meat and potatoes," as your great grandpappy would say. I don't see either of these guys being much for seasoning beyond salt and ketchup and that was somewhat reflected in the work. Starting off a big show with a 15-minute draw isn't necessarily a terrible idea, but this one didn't really have the urgency you'd want from an opener. The beginning was actually pretty good, with Regal hitting a couple nice slams and armdrags and really basking in his wrestling prowess. He doesn't quite live up to the Mr Electricity moniker, but there was at least a spark there. Brown comes back with some armdrags and slams of his own and thus we establish that he is a tenacious champion who, when knocked down, will get back up again. Then they worked a long headlock and/or armbar segment and those eight minutes didn't fly by. Regal would grab Brown by the hair and smash his face into the mat and Hebner would just lose his marbles every time, and Regal would look at him sort of perplexed and go "I'm just trying to beat the man," as if what he was doing was perfectly legal. As someone who coached 10-year-olds for many years I can understand Hebner's exasperation, but repeatedly shouting at someone for kicking a volleyball at other peoples' faces while they're trying to eat their Dairylea Dunkers isn't going to work. Our man Earl really needs to be explaining WHY that carry on won't fly. Eventually they get into a shoving match and I can tell you right now Earl would not have lasted a day in a central Scotland primary school but while this is happening Denny Brown rises from the ashes, grabs Regal by the hair and slams his face into the mat. It became obvious pretty quickly that this was going to a draw, which is always going to be a bit of a drag. We get the five minutes remining call, then another at four minutes, then at three, and again at two, but there's never any escalation. Regal never kicks anything into gear like he's short on time. They work at the same pace in minute 13 as they did in minute three. And strangely we don't get the call with one minute left, so if the wrestlers were waiting for that before jumping into an exhilarating final 60 seconds we were robbed blind.
Robert Gibson v Black Bart
This was a fun big fella performance from Bart. He looked like a Louisiana swamp rat meth cook and anything that reminds me of McConaughey-season True Detective will go down well. There was some cool use of strategy early as he backs Gibson into the corner, tries to waylay him with a big overhand, but Gibson dodges with some HASTE, no interest in being clubbed about the head by such a large man. Next time Bart backs him in he changes it up and goes midsection instead, which Gibson can't block. Our man Black Bart is no mere lummox, you see. Gibson works a headscissors and as headscissors segments go it was fine. I loved how they put over Bart's big boi athleticism as he eventually popped out of the headscissors and mowed down Gibson with a clothesline. Bart pretty much works over Gibson's throat after that, throwing some great throat punches, hotshots over the ropes and even one outside on the barricade. There was one awesome cut-off where he smashed Gibson with a clothesline-shoulder tackle combo thing, like something Vader would do. Finish might be a wee bit abrupt and I wish we got a little more from the Gibson comeback, but this was perfectly solid stuff.
Ole & Arn Anderson v Sam Houston & Nelson Royal
A very serviceable southern style tag. Arn and Ole could probably work it in their sleep but that does not detract from the nutritional value of the meat and potatoes we were served. They take over first on Sam Houston, who has been very fun in just about everything in 1986 and I feel like they were expecting him to go nuclear and become a Crockett version of a Von Erich or something. 10 years earlier he might've, but by 1986 I'm not altogether sure the world (or the south) wanted that as their Top Guy. Too clean cut even then. Maybe if he boxed David Crockett's ears he'd have been a megastar. Nelson Royal was in the role of rugged uncle who'd been around the block a time or two. Arn and Ole gave him a decent amount of respect before they tried to rip his shoulder out. In truth it wasn't the best arm work you'll see from an Anderson, but the hammerlock slam will always rule and sometimes there's a kick to be gotten out of someone grabbing a guy's deltoid and squeezing it really hard.
Manny Fernandez v Baron von Raschke (Bunkhouse Match)
Big fan of the Baron wrestling this in his best thrift store rodeo gear. They probably bought him that t-shirt from a gas station. I moved to the American south six months ago so I know a thing or two about t-shirts and gas stations. I wonder if Von Raschke ever walked into a Buc-ee's. Paul Jones is dressed like Kamala's WWF handler Kim Chee without the mask. I thought this was perfectly fine, maybe even more than that, with a really fun Ragin' Bull performance. He bled and got fired up at the right times, threw some nice looking comeback shots and took one spectacular bump off a missed flying forearm. The Baron took his belt off at one point and wrapped it around Manny's mouth, pulling back on it like he was trying to make Fernandez eat his own teeth. That belt was clearly doing a lot of literal heavy lifting and before long Von Raschke's jeans were fully down past his butt (he was at least wearing underpants). Jeans are hard enough to do any sort of athletic endeavour in today so with those rough 1986 Levi's I'm shocked he was even able to run the ropes. When Manny whipped him into them I actually thought the Baron was for tripping, but he never did and we must all tip our hat to the man. The visual of him with his jeans down around mid-thigh level, the legs of them all floppy with his feet swallowed up by them, t-shirt pulled up over his head while Manny wallops him with a cowboy boot...well it was very excellent.
Wahoo McDaniel v Jimmy Garvin (Indian Strap Match)
Garvin and Precious horseshittin' it up early here was a hoot. Garvin was all about the stalling and just walking out the ring only to finally get yoinked back in again after Wahoo had enough of it. Wahoo whipping Garvin while the latter and Precious have a smooch is a fun little moment that the crowd loved. Garvin is a civilised man and tries to work a wrestling match with a headlock and front facelock, but Wahoo has had more Indian strap matches than Garvin has had warm dinners so he yanks the strap into Garvin's willy and whips him across the shoulder. I liked Garvin using some smarts by coaxing Wahoo outside then bolting back in, starting a tug o' war before releasing tension and sending Wahoo flying back into the guardrail (and a cameraman). Wahoo is bleeding after mere seconds to the surprise of zero people in attendance or those who have watched this match on tape in the 38 years since. When he comes back he whips Garvin in the head with the strap, throws strapped up punches and wouldn't you know it but we've got double juice! Precious is no Sensational Sherri but she's a fun nuisance and trips Wahoo just as he's about to touch one of the corners, so Wahoo spits on her and if that was Sherri I can tell you for a fact she'd have stabbed him. It looks like Garvin might capitalise on the distraction only to be yanked off the top with the strap. They played a good number of the strap match hits here, basically. Wahoo then ties up Garvin's wrists and drags him to all four corners, stopping before the last one to soak in Precious' rage. After the bell Garvin jumps him with a purse. This was exactly what you wanted it to be.
Tully Blanchard v Ron Garvin (Taped Fist)
This is such a good match-up. In lots of ways Garvin is the perfect opponent for Tully because Tully is one of the best ever at getting punched up and down the place, and what is 1986 Ron Garvin if not someone who'll punch you up and down the place? And this match, by the very rules under which it operated, was all about the punches. In fact nothing else was actually legal. It was effectively a taped-knuckle boxing match held in a 23,000-seater stadium in North Carolina and not a 14-family caravan park in Dundee. So 75% of this was basically Ron Garvin punching the absolute fucking dog piss out of Tully Blanchard. Tully tries to jump him before the bell and Garvin backdrops him and flattens him with a punch. Tully is just magnificent with his KO sell as JJ frantically waves a towel in his face, finally waking him up with smelling salts as the bell rings and Tommy Young puts on the count. The match is worked in rounds of three minutes and the first two rounds are almost entirely comprised of Garvin punching Tully and Tully staggering around not knowing where he is, sometimes trying to grab Garvin in a dazed clinch, sometimes swinging wildly at nothing. Tully is just phenomenal at taking shots and dropping like a ton of bricks, like a puppet having its strings cut, falling lifeless into the ropes and whipping his neck as it clips every rope on the way down. At the end of the first round he backs into the corner with his hands up waiting for the bell, ducking halfway out the ring for some reprieve, then when Garvin turns back to his own corner Tully tries to blindside him. We all knew this would happen and so did Garvin because once again he levels Tully with a punch. JJ stands over him with one hand in his pocket, the other on top of his head, like he was starting to recognise the mess they'd gotten themselves into. I lost track of how many times I said to myself "I can't believe how good Tully Blanchard is at getting punched in the head." I loved how eventually Tully turned to the actual wrestling by hitting a bodyslam, probably half out of instinct, half of out desperation. Tommy Young is the best ref' ever and tells him they can't be wrestling in this thing and I guess even in moments where Tully decides to wrestle clean he's still a cheating wee bastard. They did a backdrop into a bridge sequence at one point, waited for Tommy to count only for him to reiterate - exasperated - that he can't, and when Garvin bridged up out of it into a backslide position I so very dearly wanted him to flip Tully over and punch him in the face and then he did and I fell out the bed. By the end they're both bleeding and we get a double KO spot, with Tully coming off the top with a punch as Garvin throws one of his own. So Tommy Young declares that the first man back to his feet wins and obviously the place is going nuts. JJ is apoplectic when Wahoo throws his water bucket over Garvin and Ron gets up first, but if you looked at the state of everyone involved you could've given Tully until next week and he wasn't getting to his feet unassisted. If you REALLY want to talk about foreshadowing and comeuppance and whatever, JJ had used Tully's own water bucket throughout the match, a little here, a bit more there, throwing it in Tully's face when it looked like he wasn't for waking up. That happened at about half a dozen points and by the end that bucket was as good as empty. In comparison, Wahoo had been a conservative cornerman and kept Garvin's bucket full, unloading the whole thing to get him over the line at the very end. A bit of the expert pro wrestling storytelling, I'd say. JJ even gets on the house mic afterwards and says that the next person who shouts "I quit" at Tully will be thrown out, Tully stumbling around bewildered and bloodied and beaten, so you can guess how that particular demand went down. You know I loved every single second of this.
Road Warriors v Ivan & Nikita Koloff (Russian Chain Match)
A very acceptable six minutes of big roided up monsters and their Canadian-Russian uncle throwing a chain around. Nobody did anything particularly unique for a chain match, but in a situation like this did they really need to? When you're a Road Warrior do you need to get creative with that literal weapon attached to your wrist, or do you just whip it across someone's neck or wrap it around your huge fist and punch someone? You know it's the latter and the crowd sure didn't need the former to buy it. There wasn't a ton of subtlety about anything, not a lot of long-term selling, but the shots with the chain ranged from believable to brutal. The Russians' double chain-assisted clothesline on Hawk looked it about took his head off and I think Nikita whipped Animal in the willy with the chain. You could audibly hear Animal shout "aw, SHIT" and if you've ever been hit down there then you get a sense of what's selling and what isn't. The babyface Road Warriors winning due to Ellering throwing Ivan off the top rope is a strange way to go. Don't get me wrong, Ivan took a screwball crotching on the top rope, but do the Road Warriors really need folk interfering on their behalf in a fight? Hawk spent the whole year talking about how they were born on the streets of Chicago and they were going to bring hell down upon the Russians. Having their manager effectively win the thing for them was certainly a choice. Nikita walloping everyone post-match with the Sickle was pretty great, though. If you're going to get your heat back then that's about as effective a way to do it. I was looking forward to these teams getting to finally lay a beating on each other and for the most part it gave me what I wanted.
Jimmy Valiant v Shaska Whatley (Hair vs Hair)
Every roster needs a Boogie Woogie Man and every big show needs a Boogie Woogie Man match. Indeed, every big Crockett show I've watched over the last few years has had a Jimmy Valiant match that probably lasts eight minutes and has the crowd going bananas the whole time. Like, I know the Valiant/Paul Jones' Army feud was criticised way back by the SMARKS~ because it lasted for literal years, but if you've got people responding to it like this the whole time you can see why they were reluctant to move past it. Squeeze every bitta juice from that particular orange, as my great, great grandmother used to say. Valiant is constant motion, always moving, tapping a foot, shaking a leg, pumping a fist, waving for the crowd to get behind him, never content to let them forget they're supposed to be involved. He looks like a washed up drifter who lives under a bridge and eats pigeons but these people live and die with him. Whatley doesn't have the crowd behind him but he absolutely does have his headbutts and he uses them several times to cut off Valiant. At least twice I thought for sure it was time for the big comeback, but I can only guess Valiant wasn't yet satisfied with the heat and eventually got shut down with one of those headbutts, the noise dialled up a bit for the next attempt. There was a great moment where he fired back and rammed Whatley's head into the turnbuckle, turning to amp the crowd up a little more, but of course he forgot about the sturdiness of a black man's head and when he turned around again Whatley cracked him with a headbutt (with Whatley shouting "SUCKAAAAAS" at nobody and everybody in particular). With every cut-off Valiant has less and less of that stored up energy to draw on, ground down to a low hum whereas earlier he was practically pulsating. When he did get over the hump you can imagine the reaction. Fuck it, this feud probably had another six years left in it.
Dusty Rhodes, Magnum TA & Baby Doll v Midnight Express & Jim Cornette (Cage Match)
Any match where Jim Cornette is running around in his giant patchwork babygrow has a relatively high floor, so it was impossible for this to not be at least pretty fun. He was hyperactive from the very start, putting his dukes up like he wanted a fight when everyone knew he didn't. For a second it looked like he was actually about to, shuffling closer to the babyface corner with fists clenched, although it was of course a RUSE for Eaton to charge Baby Doll. Eaton getting armdragged by Baby Doll is undoubtedly the greatest armdrag in the history of our sport up to that point, and perhaps would've remained top of the mountain had Dennis Rodman not armdragged Lex Luger without even taking his shades off. The early babyface control ruled and Cornette was a cowardly wretch any time the action came remotely close to his corner, slinking down on the apron and clinging to the bottom rope for dear life. Magnum stared at him in disgust several times but I love how he never even bothered trying to lay hands on him. It was above him, even if he probably wanted to throttle the idiot. When Cornette did venture in he immediately U-turned at the sight of Dusty and practically threw himself into the cage to get away. Condrey was begging off on both knees only to get clonked by bionic elbows and big Magnum punches and Eaton was bleeding after maybe three minutes? Four at a push? I've watched this show in segments over the past 14 months so I don't remember exactly now, but by the end of this match I think the total number of blade jobs on this card was sitting at 12 and they still had the main event to go. There was an awesome spot where Condrey tried to piledrive Magnum, hoisted him up and got ready to drop down on it, but Magnum popped out of it and landed on his feet as Condrey landed on his butt, Magnum staring him down unfazed as Condrey backed up bug-eyed. Magnum was really great in this, actually. He gets to unload and walk tall early, then when he's isolated he garners sympathy with the best of them. I've watched a bunch of Magnum over the past five years or so now and I have no doubt he'd have been an absolute megastar had the car accident not happened. An awesome pro wrestler. I do wish we got a little more Baby Doll/Cornette stuff, but Baby Doll rushing him at the end and dropping fists while Cornette curled into a ball was pretty great. Post-match the Midnights and Big Bubba demolish Dusty at ringside and Bubba gets wellied with a cup fulla whatever, and at that point Cornette knew it wouldn't do to get himself stabbed while wearing pyjamas so he just grabbed everyone and ran for the hills.
Ric Flair v Ricky Morton (Cage Match)
So this is the very best Flair match, right? Even better than the Funk matches, better than the Steamboat matches, better than the Garvin matches. Better than all of them. This one is the best. As a feud it's always been my favourite, partly for the absurdity of it, partly for what it brought out in Flair. I mean Flair as Evil Queen Grimhilde who can't stomach the fact there might be a younger, better looking blond fella running around the Carolinas is perfect. Envy is an emotion I'm sure we can all relate to and Flair wears it on his sleeve like nobody else, so a feud with that as its crux really puts him a role that fits like a glove.
The initial run of Morton on top is basically one extended revenge segment. It rules. Flair wants no part of it because he knows Morton wants more than the title. Morton wants to make Flair UGLY and he'll do it by splattering his nose across his face. The first thing Morton does is drag Flair to the ropes and rakes his face across it, then he'll grab Flair by the nose, measure his shot and punch him straight in the hooter. We've seen Flair beg off a million times but this was some of his best, a little more frenzied than usual, where he'll almost turn and make a run for it only to realise he's stuck in there. He doesn't get much in the way of offence, but when they tease him taking over it's Morton's face he goes for. At one point he actually rips Morton's mask off and it goes flying across the ring, but his mistake was going to pick it up because it just allowed Morton to get back at him. It was a nice bit of foreshadowing. There was a great bit where Morton had him in a headlock and was ripping at the nose, throwing little rabbit punches to the face, and you could see Flair working to set up the shinbreaker. The first time he grabbed it Morton shut him down with a punch, then the second time Flair kept hold, hoisted Morton up, and just as he dropped him across the knee Morton hit him with another punch. What I thought was cool from both guys was how they each sold what had happened. The camera was all the way in there so you could see Morton grimacing, then he dropped to his butt to relieve some pressure on the leg, while keeping hold of the headlock. Flair verbally sold the punch like he sold every other instance of Morton punching him in the face, and he also only hit the shinbreaker partially, kind of side on, that punch throwing off his execution. Ultimately it was an inconsequential moment in the match, but it's the little touches like those that elevate something from great to transcendent.
Then Flair does what we all knew he'd do. If I've said it once I've said it a thousand times, but vicious animal Flair is the best Flair and this was a fucking unbelievable bastard Flair performance. Honestly I think it's my favourite stretch of work I've ever seen from him in a match. As soon as he flung Morton into the cage that first time you knew he'd flicked the switch, and for about 10 minutes he was everything he ever told you he was. He looked like a man who took real pleasure in trying to disfigure someone, the way he'd rake Morton's face across the cage while shit-talking those teeny boppers whose attention he wanted everyone to believe he didn't actually want. When he yanks the mask off Morton he even puts it on himself, adding a little insult to the very obvious injury. He took his time and savoured the moment and even the way he interacted with Tommy Young was different. Earlier on he got into his favourite shoving match with Tommy and Flair wound up on his keister. After Flair took over Tommy was just about pleading with him to take it easy on Morton. Flair's only acknowledgment was to raise a hand to him and as soon as he did Tommy got the fuck out his road. Not a chance was he going to retaliate to Flair when he was in that mood and he didn't even protest whenever Flair would shove him out the way with one hand. Flair was a man on a grizzly mission, cold and callous, and the way he blended the cruelty with that champion's arrogance was truly sublime, drying himself off with Morton's headband before raining down punches to the forehead, almost admiring the blood coating his knuckles before giving the most condescending thumbs up to someone in the crowd. We often compare him to guys like Bockwinkel and Rose, and the comparison makes sense for plenty of reasons and I'm absolutely in the camp of those other two guys being better than Flair. But I don't know if I've ever seen Bockwinkel or Rose work a segment quite like this. Not *like this*. Just perfect stuff.
I could quibble and say I'd have liked for them to work one or two more teased comebacks before the actual comeback, but either way when that comeback arrives it leads to the awesome final stretch. They almost role-reverse as Morton turns into a maniac, while all of Flair's confidence is shattered and he reverts to type, shocked back into the real world. Morton bloodies him back, hurls him face-first into the cage, rips the forehead open, and if Flair was a LITTLE more frenzied before he was absolutely hysterical now. There was one point where he tried to crawl away shrieking as he looked at the blood covering his hands, knowing it was his own, knowing what he and the Horsemen had done to Morton, knowing that those chickens were coming home to roost, knowing that Morton wasn't just there to take his belt. Morton was trying to mutilate him and how much kiss-stealin' wheelin'-dealin' could he do then? Flair backing into the corner after Morton had yet again rammed him into the cage and Morton stalking him down shouting "I told you not to FUCK with me" was biblical. Then we get a Flair Flop off the top rope after he tries to jump out the cage, and I really do not remember seeing a top rope Flair Flop in however many thousand Ric Flair matches I've seen. A sensational wrestling match.
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