Telling Rude Sad Stories, Now She Only Fucks with the Funk

Rude v Funk...did that ever happen?


Terry Funk v Lanny Poffo (WWF, 7/13/85)

Sometimes I watch something like this and wonder if I'll ever get bored of it. You know, the shtick or the wrestlers or what they're doing or...you know, whatever. I love Tenryu being a bastard and kicking people in the eye. I love Fuerza acting like a dipshit and feigning being punched in the willy. I love Funk running riot and doing everything he does in this match. But what if that was ALL I could watch? What if I could never watch anything else? What if, for whatever reason, this was all the universe had to offer? Would I get fed up? Would I pine for the Kenny Omegas and Will Ospreays of the world, just for something a little different? I could never say for sure and I hope such a scenario never occurs, but I do feel pretty confident that the answer is no. I don't think I will ever get bored of Tenryu kicking people in the eye or Fuerza feigning being punched in the willy or Terry Funk being Terry Funk. This was very much Terry Funk being Terry Funk, btw. Obviously it ruled like fuck. Before the match even starts he picks a fight with the ring attendant and whips him in the face with his chaps. He does this with several people not involved in the match over the course of the thing. A cameraman gets spat on because he happened to be in the way. Finkel almost gets knocked off the apron as Funk shakes the ropes so hard and old Howard just looks at him like "ffs mate can you maybe not bother?" The ref' (technically not involved) gets shoved for counting too slow, but then when Funk realises he's fucked up he swiftly begs for forgiveness. His whole performance was crazy Funk to a tee, but you had that little pinch of comedy with the bumps. He also has this amazing aura where even the most potentially ludicrous things could plausibly happen because it's him who's attempting them. Usually if you're watching a match at MSG in 1985 and someone tries to suplex an opponent from inside the ring to the concrete you think it's obviously getting reversed. Surely, right? Who would actually do that, you know? Then Funk tries it and you wonder if maybe it'll happen after all. And then he actually does it! His stooging was impeccable. He almost falls though the ropes several times and when Poffo does his little backflip early on Funk has this amazing "what the hell is going on here?" reaction. Poffo hits a bunch of crazy acrobat stuff for 1985 and by the end people are just losing their shit; for the moonsault, the hurricanrana, the awesome spot where he leg presses Funk in the corner, basically every bit of offence he can muster. Ultimately you know how it's going to play out, but there's that tiny bit of hope that Poffo will escape the sleeper and bamboozle Funk long enough to do the impossible. After the match Funk brands him with the branding iron and then, branding iron raised high, shouts "SYMBOLIC!" I mean how could you ever possibly get bored of that?


Rick Rude v Ultimate Warrior (Summerslam, 8/28/89)

There's a twitter account entirely dedicated to Rick Rude taking atomic drops so I have spent a goodly amount of time the last couple days - too much, if I'm honest with myself - watching clips of Rick Rude taking atomic drops. I also watched this very wrestling match, and I thought it was borderline great, and probably one of the best WWF matches of the 80s (like...top 30 or so?). Rude was pretty sensational and it's easily one of Warrior's best performances, even if I imagine everything was tied together by Patterson. Warrior's early control is fun and he chucks Rude around the place, and we get a couple bits of Rick Rude taking atomic drops, then Rude takes over when he crotches Warrior on the top turnbuckle. Usually a spot like that - where a wrestler does something they wouldn't normally do just for the sake of it setting up something else in the match, in this case the big transition - will feel a bit out of place, but it worked fine here because Warrior had already come off the top earlier with a big ax handle. It wasn't someone who never attempts a powerbomb trying to powerbomb Kidman just so Kidman can reverse a powerbomb. It was a wrestler on the big stage going for broke more times than is smart and his opponent taking advantage of it. Rude works the back and it's about as compelling as you're likely to get with Warrior, who I thought was really solid selling it all. Eventually we get a ref' bump and the finishing run is way bigger than I remembered. Rude kicks out of a huge piledriver in a great nearfall, then after he gets the knees up on a big splash he hits a fucking Ganso Bomb (and then later another perfect piledriver)! They never ditched the selling in favour of hitting moves either, which is a plus. I like the Piper involvement at the end because a) it keeps Rude stronger in defeat by giving him a plausible out, and b) why would I not get a kick out of Roddy Piper flashing his bare arse as a distraction spot? Huge pop for the finish and post-match Piper calls Heenan a eunuch. Maybe top 30 is too low.