Fuckin' EDDIE, man!

Eddie Guerrero v Rey Mysterio (Smackdown!, 6/23/05)

Fuckin' EDDIE, man. REY as well, but mostly EDDIE. I've been a big fan of this for years, but this is probably the most I've ever enjoyed it. Been said plenty of times already, but Eddie's just phenomenal in it. The whole character portrayel is as good as anything I've ever seen in a match. He starts out all "Hey, I'm really a nice guy and I'll be a good sport" by breaking clean on everything and letting Mysterio out of the corner without taking any cheapshots for a change, but then he gets fed up with that noise because Mysterio's handing him his own ass, so he waits for his moment and BOOM, the mother of all cheapshots. Rey's bump out to the floor is the kind of thing that makes you think "That guy's pretty good". Eddie's in full on dethhhhhhpicable mode from here on out, walking a line between calculated hitman and unhinged psycho. Repeatedly blasting Mysterio's head off the announce table and launching him into the ring steps is calculated hitman. Threatening to murder the ref' for even THINKING about counting them out is unhinged psycho. His control segment is, unsurprisingly, excellent. There aren't too many guys I'd rather watch working a control segment than Eddie; he's just totally focused on trying to snap Mysterio's spine here. Mysterio, also unsurprisingly, sells accordingly. Eddie getting more and more desperate the longer it goes without being able to put Rey away is a simple enough concept, one that's been done numerous times in the past by other wrestlers, but I still don't think anybody's been able to get that point across quite like Eddie manages to in this. It's sort of a gold standard for "heel gradually losing his marbles" performances, I think. Eddie's demented smile post-match suggests he's not accepting this bullshit. He shall not be denied. Who's complaining? Not me.


Eddie Guerrero & Rey Mysterio v MNM (Smackdown!, 7/7/05)

FUCKIN' EDDIE! AGAIN! THIS GUY! Match itself is practically a vehicle to further the Eddie/Mysterio feud and bring the "secret" that had previously been hinted at into it, but when you get to see Eddie doing the shit he does here, you can't really complain about the fact these teams never managed to have the sort of great tag match they could -- or that they never got the chance, rather. Whether one thinks the "Rey's kid is actually Eddie's kid" thing was nonsense or not is irrelevant, because, going back and watching the *build up* to it (thank Goodhelmet for that), it really is some terrific stuff. Starts out with Eddie working Mercury, and after about a minute he demands Rey tags him. Rey's reluctant, but Eddie's screaming about some secret and going fuckin' ballistic while Cole and Tazz are completely lost on commentary. By all rights the match should be over after a few minutes when Eddie hits a frog splash, but instead he picks Mercury up before the ref' can count the three and tags Mysterio back in. Mercury's pretty much dead at this point, and Mysterio's all ready to hit the 619. Eddie's running along the apron, clapping, getting the crowd to clap along, basically doing his best Tom Zenk apron impression, and then BLAM, Rey hits the ropes and Eddie floors him. Eddie's reaction to this is almost that of hilarity. He knew - as did everyone else, I'm sure - what he was going to do right from the jump, and now he's going to kick back and watch Mysterio take a whipping. Literally, because he sits at ringside with his feet up and is quite clearly loving what he sees. Great moment where Cole loses it and shouts something at him and Eddie looks like he's about to swing him like an empty tracksuit. Even Tazz is shitting himself, telling Cole to calm down because Eddie's so unstable. I've talked more about this than I had intended to already, but the remainder reads as: Mysterio makes a comeback, Eddie shits his pants, Mysterio hits the 619, Eddie mauls him, MNM win, Eddie cuts a promo humiliating Rey and then forces him to hold the ropes open for him as he leaves, because he knows Rey won't hit him for fear of THE SECRET~! being revealed. Not much of a "match", but it isn't meant to be. As a whole, though, this is excellent.


Eddie Guerrero v Chris Benoit (Smackdown!, 7/21/05)

This was quite a surprise. Not in a "I just watched Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit have a good match. I'm surprised at that" sense, but in a "there's an Eddie Guerrero v Chris Benoit match that's really good. I'm surprised I haven't heard anyone talk about it" sense. It's really good. Benoit's a mystery opponent here and Eddie shits himself as soon as the music hits. Benoit gets on the mic and starts asking why Eddie's doing what he's doing, trying to talk sense into him and all that jazz, and Eddie isn't interested one bit so he just SOCKS him mid-sentence. Then he grabs a chair and Nick Patrick takes it from him, so he just punts him in the balls instead. The bulk of this is Eddie working Benoit's leg, and I love how just about every time he cuts off Benoit he does so by being a cheating bastard. "Chop battle? Fuck that, eye poke is my friend." Benoit also gets busted open hardway here by throwing headbutts, and it's around this time where Eddie throws his arms up and hightails it. So yeah, surprised that this doesn't get brought up more.


Eddie Guerrero v Rey Mysterio (Great American Bash, 7/24/05)

I'm gonna take the disgusting man-crush I have for Eddie and push it all the way up to raging broner. Eddie is completely and utterly outstanding in this. Not really from a "workrate" standpoint, but as a full blown psycho-maniac-dickhead-Hannibal-Lectar-ain't-got-shit-on-me character. The Smackdown! match is the better match, by quite a bit, but this is the kind of thing you watch and forget about the quality of the match itself because the quality of the character portrayel within it is so good. You know it's something special when the commentators just totally flip out and Tazz starts cursing like a trooper. Even Tony Chimel looks disgusted at a few points. The reason for all of this is Dominick's presence at ringside, a stipulation forced upon the match by Eddie, and the height of Eddie's dickheadedness is using him as a shield so Rey can't get a hold of him (the moment the penny drops and he realises he can use the boy to his advantage is beautiful). It's not just that he's using him as a shield, though. I mean, we've all seen the "guy uses valet/whatever as a shield and winds up cheapshotting other guy as a result" shtick done before, but Eddie does it in such a way that it's as if you're not sure whether he's doing it to protect himself, or if he's actually capable of hurting this poor kid (who looks scared shitless at times, btw, although whether he was acting the whole thing out really well or if he actually *was* scared shitless, I'm not sure (not for a second implying he'd be scared of Eddie actually hurting him; more the fact he's an 8 year old kid having to essentially perform in front however many thousand people were in the arena, and that kind of thing probably was pretty frightening to him)). I mean, it's the way he sort of wraps his hands around Dominick's head with a 100% grade-A "I'm a fuckin' psycho and I'll eat your brains" look on his face. Then he lets him go and Rey, who was on his knees begging Eddie not to hurt his son, lunges at the kid to protect him, and Eddie, in total asshole fashion, sees the opportunity to pounce. And so he does. It's at that point where Tazz snaps on commentary and starts calling him a son of a bitch and stuff. It ruled the fuckin' universe. Lots of moments throughout where Eddie will take a second to stop beating on Rey and turn to Dominick, sometimes smiling like a lunatic, sometimes with a look of disgust at the fact he's even related to the man he hates more than anybody else in the world. It's almost disturbing. Then from time to time he'll go out and touch his cheek or give him a hug and I can't help but picture Michael Cole throwing up. Really, there's so many moments that I could point to as a favourite, but I think my top instance of Eddie being God and whatnot is right at the start where's he's waving at Dominick and telling Mysterio to shake his hand to show him they're friends and they're all happy and stuff. Rey initially responds by staring at him in disgust, and that pisses Eddie off big time, because you see him drop the whole "we're bestest friends" charade in a split second, shifting straight into "shake my hand or you'll be wearing your scrotum as a hat because I'm THAT screwballed". Me trying to explain it doesn't do it justice, but it was glorious. I'd also like to point out that Eddie does the best sell of being crotched on the top turnbuckle ever in this. I'm not even kidding when I say there's an extended sell of a turnbuckle crotching. Eddie rummaging in his tights as if he's trying to shift his balls back into their right place is why THIS GUY is the fuckin' greatest.