Saturday, 17 September 2011

Where did all the Good BASTION BOOGER Matches Go???

Bam Bam Bigelow & Bastion Booger v The Smoking Gunns (RAW, 1/3/94)

This was the "main" match of the show. As in, this was the match that got the most time. I was legit looking forward to this. Bam Bam is looking like one of the best guys in the company in '94 and I remember being hugely disappointed as a kid when Booger pulled out of the Royal Rumble at the last minute. No IDEA why I wanted a Bastion Booger appearance back then, but there you have it. I think Virgil was his replacement. Fuck Virgil. But yeah, Booger is utterly grotesque. This kind of sucked, unfortunately. Billy and Bart were pretty crappy here, Booger moves a mile a century, and Bam Bam, try as he may, isn't able to pick up the slack and drag this into "not sucky" territory. Did I mention Bastion Booger is utterly grotesque? They run some angle at the end where Luna (Bigelows' MAIN SQUEEZE at the awesome is THAT?) starts rubbing the hump on Booger's neck, and Booger sees this as her coming onto him so he starts trying to molest her or some shit. I am not making this up. Bigelow eventually notices and tries to pull him off, they start brawling (or "clutching") and the Gunns win by count-out. Bastion, you dog, you.

The Quebecers v Marty Jannetty & 123 Kid (RAW, 1/10/94)

This was really fucking good, maybe a top 5 TV match of the year. Gets plenty of time (about 20 minutes) and everybody brings it. Marty and Kid have a bunch of neat double teams and the Quebecers keep having to stall and regroup. They tease Marty going FIP when Jacques (I think) pulls the rope down from the apron as Marty's running in, and Marty takes a really cool bump over the top. When he lands it looks like he splats his nose on the floor. When Kid comes in after this he strings off a couple great highspots. Vince's call of the somersault plancha off the top is amazing. It sounds like he swallows his tongue because his brain is overloading trying to think of a way to describe it. "GBLUGH. DID YOU SEE THAT?!" Quebecers eventually take over when Kid is up top ready to go for the kill and Pierre shoves him off. I don't recall seeing more than 5 Quebecers matches in my life, but I was shocked at how good their heat segment was here. They don't really work it in a way that allows for good hope spots, which admittedly sounds pretty counter-productive, but instead they just murder Kid with a bunch of great looking shit. Pierre's assisted top rope somersault senton looked brutal (that's one thing about them I do recall) and they absolutely kill Waltman with this Total Elimination variant where Pierre hits a running lariat as Jacques casually sweeps his legs away. I would've liked them to build to the finish a wee bit better, but that's neither here nor there. Pop for the title change is a POP and Savage hitting the ring and celebrating is why I love that crazy bastard.

Bam Bam Bigelow v Bastion Booger (RAW, 1/10/94)

This was...not good. Only got about 2 minutes. Bigelow tries to slam Booger at one point and almost falls and gets squashed underneath him. He's all "Nah, fuck that shit" and just picks him up and does it again (this time properly). Booger gets his head rammed into the steps and the way he just lays over them after it like a harpooned whale was hilarious. Imagine Rosie O'Donnell trying to seduce a prostitute. THAT was what this was. I hope to uncover at least one good Bastion Booger match for this project. This wasn't it.

1994 WWF Project

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