The Nature Boy and the Road Warrior

Ric Flair v Road Warrior Hawk (JCP Great American Bash, 7/1/86)

For the first of Flair's 14 world title defences on the Great American Bash tour (could be legit, could be carny LIES), up steps the Road Warrior. This had actually been built really nicely on TV, especially the week leading up to it. Flair had been talking on interviews about how he was going to slap that big Road Warrior Hawk, then get him in the ring and stretch his neck until people would be calling him Big Bird. On the last episode of World Championship Wrestling the Horsemen put a beating on both Road Warriors, hitting a concrete spike piledriver on Animal before giving Hawk a borderline terrifying double gordbuster, one where he was nearly vertical before Arn managed to course correct at the last second. Then Arn and Ole held a motionless Hawk so Flair could make good on his promise and slap him across the face. Hawk cut a great promo after it, saying he forgot what it was like to truly feel PAIN, thanking Flair for reminding him, telling him that he would remind Flair of the same thing at the Bash by taking his belt, because the pain of that would hurt more than anything. Bell to bell they didn't reinvent the wheel. It was Flair versus a big fella who likes to do gorilla press slams and flying shoulder tackles, so at the very least Flair could plug Hawk into all of the usual Flair spots and Hawk wouldn't be stepping out of his comfort zone. They started with a couple tie-ups and Hawk flung Flair across the ring both times. Flair is not best pleased, comes back charging and Hawk puts him on his rump with a shoulder block, following with a "bring it" gesture that sends Flair off his rocker. Lots of what Flair did here was in service of making Hawk look like a brute, a powerhouse, an all around UNIT of a man. Flair hitting a big delayed vertical suplex looked really awesome, then he goes for the cover and Hawk positions his arms under Flair's torso and you know what's coming. Tommy Young counts 2 and Hawk throws Flair nearly out the ring on the kick out. Hawk must've hit a dozen press slams in this, or at least four, all of them with impressive ease. When Flair created his first big opening it was because he stepped out the way of a moving truck, Hawk going flying out the ring off a missed shoulder block. This was a great looking missed shoulder block too, lots of momentum behind it, Hawk being practically horizontal in mid-air, landing with a thud and rolling out to the floor. As soon as the ref' went down I could smell the Dusty Finish, but at least Hawk got his revenge slap on Flair and for that one glorious moment the Philly crowd thought they'd witnessed the crowning of a new champion. This was really good, and at sub-15 minutes a pretty breezy watch. 

Ric Flair - DEFINITELY not a fan of Rock n Roll!

Ric Flair v Ricky Morton (Cage Match) (JCP, 7/11/86)

This was basically a 14-minute caning of Ric Flair by the vengeful Ricky Morton. Honestly, I wasn't even going to watch it. I've been going (slowly) through 1986 Crockett for the last three years now and I'm close to the more famous Flair/Morton cage match from the Bash tour. I haven't seen that in about 15 years and I really wanted to go into it fresh. This was listed as being from the 6/22/86 episode of World Pro, which I realised later is wrong, but I was going by that date initially and knew this was a shorter match from the DVD file time, so I figured it might've been a test run of sorts for the July match. I thought it also might've been clipped or JIP because a 14-minute Ric Flair cage match in 1986 felt implausible. So I was maybe going to go back to it after watching the Bash match and unbeknownst to me that would've been the correct order anyway but I ended up watching this one first because it was next on the disc. All of that pointlessness aside I'm very glad I watched the thing because it was very different from what I remember the Bash match being. It was also very awesome. This was happening in the first place because Flair and the Horsemen had mashed Morton's face into a locker room floor. Morton's been wearing a protective face mask for a few weeks now, walking around out of the ring with his cheek and nose bandaged up. You and I and Ricky Morton and everyone else knew that Flair would target it again. Morton flipping the script and immediately going after Flair's face was so great, and I love how Flair initially sold surprise, then indignation, then rage, then eventually came to the realisation that he himself was going to need a protective face mask if this continued. Maybe he figured the line for Space Mountain wouldn't be nearly as long if Space Mountain was busted and in dire need of repairs. In a regular match he'd have rolled to the floor and composed himself. I like that he actually tried to do that here, only he had nowhere to go on account of the 12-foot cage. Later, after it became obvious he was stuck in there with someone who would relentlessly try and disfigure him, he just ran up the buckles and tried to jump over the top. Flair was always one for the bare arse spot and Morton damn near yanked the whole trunks off him just to get him back in. Morton really grinds Flair's face into the canvas, rakes his face across the top rope, grabs Flair by the nose and tries to pull it off, drags him around the ring by the nose, all great stuff built around retaliatory facial mutilation. Flair trying to punch Morton in the face and selling his hand after he hits the face shield rules, then he manages to remove it but before he can do anything Morton fights him off and takes it back, puts it back on and headbutts him with the mask! I loved pretty much everything they did that was built around DIY facial reconstruction. Flair trying to hit the kneedrop here carried a little more weight than usual. He was always going to do it anyway, but doing it to a guy with a mangled face is extra vindictive. Flair missing and Morton going to the figure-four is another thing that probably would've happened regardless, but it had a little more behind it on Morton's part here, some humiliation laced through it, whereas most of the time it just feels like a spot a Flair opponent would do because...well because it's a Flair match and that was the done thing. Flair sold the leg in a really subtle but amazing way too, especially after Morton does a legdrop make-a-wish thing to both hamstrings. The slow limp into Flair's failed elbow drop was probably my favourite instance of it and Morton was just all over him again like a rash. Morton will always bring incredible energy to matches and this was him dialled up to 11. Even as Flair escaping by the skin of his teeth finishes go this one might've been a wee bit abrupt, but I like that they threw that curveball in there. Sometimes even after a pasting the champ can sneak out a win, and not every match needs to go half an hour anyway. Another excellent entry from two guys who were made to wrestle each other. 

Ric Flair - NOT a fan of Rock n Roll!

Arn Anderson v Wahoo McDaniel (World Pro Wrestling, 6/16/86)

This wasn't a six star affair or anything, but it was really good and probably one of Wahoo's best in the back stretch of his career, or certainly the back stretch of him being a big name player. Arn had settled into a super consistent run as the TV champ by this point in the year and you could plug basically anyone in there with him. The floor on a 10-minute Arn Anderson match in mid-1986 was going to be relatively high no matter who he was against, whether it be Manny Fernandez or Denny Brown or Ron Garvin or Randy Mulkey. Wahoo was still tough as shoe leather and threw the sort of shots that would prompt bug-eyed facial expressions so he was really the perfect Arn opponent. It started with Arn asking for a test of strength, Wahoo obliging before smacking him in the chest with an overhand chop. Arn is flat on his butt, scooting backwards across the mat with his eyes popping out his head. Those chops were treated as game-changers and Wahoo threw more than a few, which you expect as he is Wahoo McDaniel and chopping people in the chest is what he does. Arn mostly worked from below, selling those chops like you expect him to, taking them from a few different angles. At a certain point Arn would take it to the mat and Wahoo would squeeze him in a body scissors, but it felt like a good place for Arn to be because he could at least force Wahoo onto his back and maybe keep his shoulders down. At least he wasn't being chopped. And then Wahoo threw one from his back and Arn sold it like someone jabbed a stick up his arse. You pretty much knew this was ending on some bullshit but at least they capped it with a nice struggle to get back in the ring at the end, Arn going into the post as Wahoo fails to beat the count by a millisecond. 

Ric Flair v Robert Gibson (World Pro Wrestling, 6/16/86)

I'm glad Robert Gibson got a crack at the World Title. Actually this might not even have been for the belt, but I'm glad he got a crack at the World *Champion* if nothing else. They were about to make Morton v Flair the centrepiece of the upcoming Great American Bash tour so if you're Gibson you're probably feeling a wee bit hard done by. "He's wrestling in the main event while I'm jerking the curtain with Black Bart? Is this the Rock n Roll Express or the Ricky Morton Express?" In fairness to him if they wanted to put Flair in there with a teenybopper heartthrob then Gibson was nearly as ugly as Morton, but Morton is in that god tier of underdog babyfaces and Gibson...well, sorry brother, but you're not that. Still, if this was his chance to show he COULD have been a Flair foil at the same level of Morton then he sure grabbed it with both hands. I thought this was an awesome 12 minutes. Morton is at ringside in double denim with his big facial bandage and I'm pretty sure the crowd would've been wild for this without him, but his presence ramped the heat up even more and the whole thing was molten. Right at the start Flair does a drop down, and rather than jump over him Gibson just grabs Flair's face and rubs it into the mat. Flair backs away flabbergasted that this cross-eyed punk would do that to the champion of the world, sheer contempt practically radiating from him. It wasn't anything novel as far as Flair performances go. He didn't start off underestimating his challenger before realising he was in a fight -- he knew from the start what he was in, but it still caught him by surprise that Gibson had the gall to take it there as soon as he did. He spent long spells on the back foot, begged off when he needed a reprieve, took the signature bumps, got put in his own figure-four, gave Gibson a ton and made him look great. Flair has a brief stretch on top when Gibson goes shoulder-first into the post, he works the arm with some nasty stuff, wraps it around the top rope and kicks the rope away, then they flip the tables again as Gibson whips Flair into the corner and Flair takes a great shoulder bump on the buckles. Flair spits on Morton and Morton literally jumps in the ring to get at him, no half-baked attempt at showing how much he wants to throttle Flair, really making Tommy Young earn his keep by putting him back out. When this is going on Flair blatantly chokes Gibson, then gives someone in the crowd the pelvic thrust and you can tell Flair is in his element working with these guys. Of course he escapes in the end by the skin of his teeth, but Gibson at least gets the last shot in as Flair hightails it. I haven't watched the Flair/Morton cage match in about 15 years and I'm very hyped to check it out again soon. 

The Man Come to Shake Piper's Hand and Rob Him of His Farm. Hot Rod Shot 'em Dead and He Hung His Head, and Drove off in His Car

Roddy Piper v Jimmy Snuka (WWF, 8/25/84) - GREAT

The Piper/Snuka feud in MSG just hits different. I think this is actually the first time I've seen seen them match up in singles in the Garden, and while there's one match between them elsewhere that's better (the 7/15/84 Meadowlands match where Snuka goes berserk), this one has the HEAT behind it. People are all over Piper before the bell and we get a great shot of him being pelted in the back with a cup - maybe beer, maybe piss - while taking his shirt off, Roddy pausing briefly and sneering in disgust. Snuka is almost a wee bit disconcerting as he stares a hole through Piper, motionless, cold, unblinking, really the look of a man we know to be an actual murderer. The staredown when the bell rings is right from the Hashimoto/Tenryu playbook. They don't make a move, just stare across the ring at each other for a couple beats and they have that crowd completely where they want it. Of course Piper is a shitbag and as soon as Snuka backs him down grinning - a real humourless grin, one full of malice, which made him even more disconcerting - Piper quickly steps out to the floor to compose himself. As you can imagine the place was fully irate. Piper finally realising he needs to put up or shut up was an amazing moment as he just throws all caution to the wind and shouts "AAAGGHHH MOTHERFUCKER" before charging Snuka. There was some great Piper selling during the early Snuka flurry, like the slow timber bump onto his back, then falling neck-first into the middle rope after Snuka hits him with a big leaping headbutt. At one point Piper's dead on his feet and it looks like he's about to collapse again, but he pokes Snuka in the eye with an easy 9.2 on the Roddy Piper Eye Poke Scale. There's a flubbed Irish whip that wound up being the best flubbed Irish whip ever, as Piper's head snaps back off the looser-than-normal top rope and almost chokes himself with it, so Snuka just decides to keep choking him with the rope rather than go back to the originally planned Irish whip. Piper bleeds off a posting on the floor and this is really the Snuka revenge tour you wanted in MSG, the sort of thing you'd expect from Snuka after having a coconut smashed over his head. Then Jimmy goes for the top rope crossbody but Piper catches him and gives him an UGLY hotshot over the ropes, where Jimmy takes an uglier tumble out to the floor. Piper actually wins by count out but proceeds to smash the edge of a chair into Jimmy's neck, just the two times but according to Gorilla it was at least six or seven. This is the injury angle that had MSG absolutely MOLTEN for his return a few months later as the Tonga Kid's cornerman. I'd never actually seen the angle before but the heat for everything after it makes sense now because this was an awesome injury angle. Snuka is then lumped onto a stretcher and strapped to it while lying on his side and I'm pretty sure some medical professionals are losing their license for that. 

Complete & Accurate Hot Rod

Take Piper to France and Watch Him Dance, Let Him Drink that Wine. Spinning Around a Dark-Haired Girl, Havin' Him a Good Ol' Time

Roddy Piper & Bob Orton v Paul Orndorff & Andre the Giant (WWF, 8/10/85) - GREAT

Andre in the Garden is a magical thing. Some wrestlers just fit certain environments like a glove. Lawler in the Mid-South Coliseum, Hashimoto in the Tokyo Dome. Lothario in the Sam Houston Coliseum, Casas in Arena Mexico. The Von Erichs in the Sportatorium. Special connections that are built over time, sometimes years, sometimes decades. WWF had a few guys like that throughout the 70s and 80s, a lot of them with those MSG crowds. Their presence alone would make things feel BIGGER. Hogan, Piper, Backlund, Bruno, all those guys had that connection with the Garden fans and in Piper's case it was as both a heel and a babyface, different reactions yet equally electric. The fact Andre was a special attraction who wouldn't make as many appearances gave the ones he did make even more meaning. Every time out it felt huge. The WWF at this point was obviously Hogan's house, but Andre had been coming around before Hulk donned the red and yellow and ascended to immortality, before he moonlighted as Thunderlips and threw Sylvester Stallone around a boxing ring, even before he was running about with Freddie Blassie and stepping to Andre himself. Piper is one of the godkings of crowd manipulation so throw Andre in there with him and you've got an atom bomb. This was during the Piper/Orndorff feud where Piper had Orton as his bodyguard whomping people with a cast. Orndorff would bring in partners for big tag matches, one time recruiting one of the Garden's previous tenants Bruno Sammartino. Here it was Andre and the heat was through the roof. Andre was noticeably bigger than he was in '84, the last time he and Piper were on opposite sides of a tag match in MSG. He was a little more broken down, but that last time he got carted out mid-match, bleeding everywhere, going above and beyond to give Piper the rub of his career to that point. This time he wasn't going to spend any time on the mat and I guess it was as much an Andre revenge tour as an Orndorff one. Piper and Orton bump and stooge everywhere and the energy is off the charts. Just buckets of energy. You can tell Piper lives for this shit, the way he gets popped in the mouth by Orndorff, feeds himself to Andre for a big clubbing blow to the ear, turns around into another Orndorff hook, big exaggerated flailing, whipping his head all the way back, the place going more and more crazy for each shot. Andre was determined to rip that cast off Orton's arm, unwrapping the tape and using it to choke him while Orton couldn't do a damn thing about it. Orton would frantically try and get away, climb out the ring, grab the ropes, feebly kick at Andre, but Andre would not let go of that arm and where he wanted to take Orton was where Orton would go. He had no choice in the matter. The heels eventually take over on Andre when Orton makes a blind tag to Piper, then they double team the big guy and Piper uses the same tape ripped from Orton's cast to choke Andre. In a cool spot they back him into the corner, and when the ref' is putting Orndorff out Piper uses the tape AND the tag rope to choke Andre. Andre doesn't spend a ton of time being worked over but it's the usual fun wounded mammoth performance. I did love him biting Piper in the FACE to create some distance, then Orton tries his luck and Andre takes a chunk out of him as well. Andre uses his size to keep Orton pinned in the corner while Orndorff lays a beating on Piper, and the set up to the finish is great. Andre goes for a big butt smash but Orton gets a knee up and digs him in the kidneys. He then comes off the top for a big cast drop but Andre gets the boot up and Orton goes face-first into the thing like a screwball. It was one of the best versions of that spot ever. It can be hard to make that look good because you can't really not telegraph it without doing it to a stupidly unsafe degree. Why would you be coming off the ropes fully vertical like that? What were you trying to achieve before the boot was raised? A stomp? Who does a stomp off the middle rope? So many questions. But Andre's legs are fuckin nine feet long so he connects with Orton's face almost as soon as he comes off the ropes. You could plausibly buy Orton AIMING to go for a splash or an elbow drop or whatever and he was just kicked in the face before he could properly get horizontal. 

Complete & Accurate Hot Rod

The Funker v The Hulkster!

Hulk Hogan v Terry Funk (WWF, 12/7/85)

This was a shit load of fun. Funk is unbelievable here and he really is the greatest Mentos in a Coke bottle there's ever been. No pro wrestling ecosystem is safe - you drop Funk into it and it fundamentally takes a turn for a wild. He's a lodestone for stupidity and ridiculousness and everything around him is drawn into this whirlwind that his very presence creates. This was basically the Terry Funk show and Hogan plugged his stuff into it, and that is not a criticism of Hogan whatsoever because he did it pretty much perfectly. I mean it can be easy to be overwhelmed by Funk. I've seen otherwise really good wrestlers not know how to play off Funk or at times basically cede full control and just let him dictate both the broad and intricate strokes. That can still be awesome because Funk is good enough to make it work, but it's more fun when there's a bit of collaboration. The early parts have Funk run through several bits of shtick while Hogan leans all the way into it, hitting his beats like he's been doing this all his life. Funk gets popped off the apron while he's embroiled in a shouting match with a fan, then Hogan drops an elbow on Funk's cowboy hat before throwing it away like a frisbee. Hogan spits on Funk and Funk, openly disgusted, reels off a string of "motherfucker", "son of a bitch" and "bastard" with another few variants thrown in there. They do a couple rope-running sequences, the first ending with Hogan dropping to the mat and Funk tripping over him, almost flying clean out the right, righting himself just to turn around and get clotheslined out instead. When they do it again it's Funk who drops down, but Hogan just steps on him and continues running the ropes, back and forth five times, stepping on Funk at every pass before Funk has to slink out the ring. I think my favourite thing about Funk's 80s WWF run is how much he absolutely terrorised Gorilla Monsoon and this time he threatens to welly him with a branding iron. Monsoon ripped the headset off and stood up like he wanted to fucking kill him. I'm convinced this was an ongoing rib on Funk's part and he never told Monsoon what he was going to do, but Gorilla is amazing playing off him every time. This is a giant of a man who was once presented to the world as a monster so you know he isn't about to back down just because he's traded out the singlet for the headset. The criss-cross spot is amazing and nobody does a criss-cross spot like Funk, as Hogan just stops running and Funk continues back and forth and by the end he's blowing out his arse while the whole Spectrum laughs at him. Even when he takes over Funk is a madman, jumping off tables to hit an axe handle, choking Hogan with wrist tape, stepping on his face and grinding the sole of the boot across forehead. I loved Hogan's reversal of the sleeper and even using headbutts during the comeback (not really a Hogan staple), then Funk tries to use the branding iron only for it to backfire, much to the crowd's pleasure. Hogan rocking the powder blue tights/boots and red kneepads combo is also very SWANK and he should've worn them more often.

Hulk Hogan & Junkyard Dog v Terry & Dory Funk (WWF, 3/8/86)

Aa you can imagine, this is another really fun match. Terry is full bonkers and it even rubs off on Dory, who stooges and acts the fool to a much greater degree than normal for him. Before the bell Terry is raving like an idiot and starts whacking the announcer's table with the branding iron so Gorilla grabs it and stands up like he's about to do something. The place erupts and of course Terry recognises this as something that can generate even more heat, so he goes outside and squares up to Monsoon and Monsoon takes the headset off like he's about to DO SOMETHING and Lord Al even has to rein him in! The place erupts again I would pay you money for a Terry Funk v Gorilla Monsoon match right this second. Just five minutes of Terry horse shit before Gorilla finally punches him in the mouth. Terry winding up Gorilla is honest to god some of the best shtick in WWF history and an actual payoff would've been incredible. Terry was even more comedy here than usual. He's out on the apron and Hogan bonks his head off the post, so Terry stumbles all the way along the apron and goes head-first into the opposite post. Every so often he'll leave the ring and shout at fans, then one of them throws something at him so he makes to jump the railing and when he can't do that he just starts booting the guard rail. When Dory manages to calm him down Terry gets his feet tangled in some cables and falls on his arse. They do another criss-cross spot, this time with Hogan and Dory, Hogan stops and Dory keeps running, then Terry comes in and tries to catch Dory but effectively ends up running the ropes along with him. When Dory realises he's been HAD he tries to dropkick Hogan and misses hilariously while Hogan points at him like "get a load of this jackass." If you need serious competition in your wrestling then this probably won't be for you, but I could watch this Terry (Funk, not Bollea) all day and I had a blast with it. I thought it did need a little more peril, though. As a light-hearted affair it certainly worked, but there were a couple points where it looked like the Funks were about to get some heat on Hogan or JYD but then they'd just make their comeback and tag out. Funk trying to hang JYD over the rope with a bullwhip at the finish is sort of gross, though I'm sure Hogan making the save was provided as evidence that he is NOT a racist when they took him to court for repeatedly calling someone the N word on a voice recording. "I can't be racist, I saved JYD from a lynching!" Pro wrestling is the most ridiculous shit when you really think about it.

Some Folks are Scared that the World May be Round. They Hardly Could Walk on the Streets of Piper's Town

Piper Machine, Giant Machine & Super Machine v King Kong Bundy, Big John Studd & Bobby Heenan (WWF, 10/4/86) - GOOD

I don't really remember a Piper/Heenan feud from around this time. I always thought Piper was busy with Muraco and by extension the devious Mr Fuji, but this is very much Piper v Heenan. You may be shocked to hear that Piper v Heenan was a blast. Piper is obviously wearing the same mask as the Destroyers and makes no attempt to hide who he is other than that, but Heenan is still apoplectic whenever Piper pulls the mask up behind the ref's back and sticks his tongue out at him. Bobby was an incredible chickenshit in this and would flatly run away or bodily fling himself out the ring whenever Piper got close. Heenan would come in when Piper had been incapacitated, but none of his stuff hurt Piper and as soon as that became apparent Heenan was OUTTA there. Piper's knee is bandaged to the size of a beach ball so the heels take over on it, then when Heenan comes in he tries to fist drop the knee, but Piper raises his leg and Heenan goes face-first into it instead. And then he is fuckin OUTTA there. Piper eventually rips the mask off to start the big comeback and the place goes nuts, then unloads with a punch flurry to Studd before slamming him to a MONSTER pop. Ton of fun and definitely one for the Hot Rod enthusiasts.

Roddy Piper v Adrian Adonis (WWF, 2/15/87) - GREAT

I love this match up. The Wrestlemania 3 match is one of the great WWF spectacles and this was an awesome test run for it. Christ alive Adonis is huge. Monsoon calls him the Enormous One and says he "must be at least 500," presumably pounds but he could've meant kilograms and it wouldn't have been the most egregious nonsense Gorilla has ever come away with. After all, this is a man who once proclaimed someone coming off the top rope as being "25 feet in the air." They meet in the aisle and Piper's glare would shrivel your insides, then he chucks the kilt at Adonis' face before bum-rushing him. Even at his PLUMPEST Adonis is still a mad bumper. Those signature bumps don't come off the same as they did when he was a bit lighter, like the upside down corner bump or the one where he goes backwards over the ropes and gets tangled up. He tried the former and it resulted in a flat back bump when he simply bounced off the buckles, then on the latter he couldn't rotate all the way around and just flopped forward again. But for a man who looks like the antithesis of athleticism he was still very athletic, still has nice spring on a big atomic drop bump, still willing to jump off the top rope and eat knees on a splash. Piper muscling him up in a vertical suplex late in the match looked pretty amazing as well. Piper was molten hot and knows how to get the absolute most out of Adonis' willingness to chuck his huge frame around the ring. Jimmy Hart is a constant nuisance and Piper wants to get at him in the worst way, but Adonis will always be there whenever Piper gets close enough. Piper literally picks Jimmy up by the ears before Adonis clubs him in the neck, then as Hart clings to the referee in protest Adonis grabs his big atomiser - that Gorilla calls a "squirter" - and sprays it about a dozen times in Piper's face. Piper is one thousand percent Roddy Piper selling being blinded for the next few minutes, swinging wildly as Adonis prances around, hitting a big bulldog in the ring before throwing Piper onto the ramp and hitting another bulldog there. The last few minutes are sensational, with Piper and Adonis and Hart running through a bunch of spots, the ref' getting bumped, Piper regaining his sight and going bonkers, Adonis trying to clonk Piper with a chair only to have it kicked back in his face, Hart being flung across the ring onto Adonis, Piper being shot in the face again with the squirter. Piper throwing the referee around the place and tackling the ring announcer in blind fury makes up for a somewhat unsatisfying finish. We get that payoff at Wrestlemania anyway, and it's about as satisfying as you could want. 

Complete & Accurate Hot Rod

All These People Just Keep Lookin' 'Round, Can't Look Piper in the Eye. LA's Like the Movies and He's Still Wonderin' Why

Roddy Piper & David Schultz v Andre the Giant & Jimmy Snuka (WWF, 3/25/84) - EPIC

This is about as good as it gets. For what I want to watch in wrestling at this stage of the game, it's pretty much perfect on a personal level. Roddy Piper acting like a shithead trying to start a riot? Give me all of it. Andre the Giant making faces and selling everything from amusement to near death over the course of one match? I'll take every bit of it. Piper v Andre is everything I want from a pairing. Both are incredible at using body language and facial expressions and have charisma out the wazoo so this thing was nuclear without them even having to do anything. Andre might actually be the best facial expression wrestler ever. Piper is just amazing at milking the heat early, half taking his shirt off, pausing when people start whistling, eventually removing it and flexing his pecs before Snuka shows the Garden what a real HGH-infused pectoral flex looks like. Piper then removes the kilt and twirls it like a matador's cape and Monsoon calls it a dress, the stupid prick. 

Piper was complete hubris here and wanted no part of Andre, even if he did want everyone to know he was up for a fight. He was just biding his time, is all. Andre v Schultz is great because Schultz is a crackpot and will stooge to the moon. Andre grabs him in a standing bow and arrow and headbutts him in the back, and Gorilla is actually spot on with his anatomy here as he correctly notes the cervical and thoracic spine. I loved the bit where Andre drops down as Schultz is running the ropes, then stands up bent over so Schultz runs into Andre's truck-like posterior. I've watched a lot of WWF Andre recently and that's a stock spot of his that never failed to pop the place. Schultz backs Andre into the corner and tries to sucker him, but Andre just grins like he's being tickled and people are going wild. Andre uses two fingers to wiggle Schultz's nose like he's a four-year-old and Schultz sells it like he's been hit with a frying pan. Piper comes in mean muggin' like he wants a fight and then immediately tags Schultz back in like "it's okay mate, I know you still have some unfinished business with the big guy." Andre just chuckles like "get a load of this guy." When Piper comes in again and actually makes physical contact he throws a punch flurry to Andre's body, and the pop for Piper getting clubbed in the face is wonderful. The way they built anticipation for that single shot was masterful. 

I was thinking this was going to be one of the most fun WWF matches ever, a real crowd-pleaser full of nonsense, lots of shtick and some fun bumps, maybe a couple nice interactions between the big stars. Then Piper pulls a knuckle duster from his trunks and things take a turn for the grizzly. He cracks Andre with a punch, Andre goes wild with the blade and Piper and Schultz kick the living shit out of him for a few minutes. That tonal shift from light-hearted romp to murder scene was almost jarring, but in the best way possible just for how far Andre leaned into it. This legitimately might be the worst beating I've ever seen him take. Vince clearly knew they had something special with Piper to give him this much against Andre the bastard Giant, and obviously Piper was amazing at revelling in the heat it was generating. Andre is just spectacular selling this, writhing around on the mat while Piper and Schultz punch and kick him in the head, using the ropes to try and drag himself to his feet just to get put back down again. He'd worked the match as a lovable big galoot so the sight of him bleeding everywhere was sort of disturbing. Imagine a pair of headcases had found the Iron Giant and not nine-year-old Hogarth Hughes and they beat it to death with hammers. Piper biting Andre in the cut and coming up covered in Andre's blood was a phenomenal visual. Of course Gorilla was having a fucking aneurysm at the ref' for not doing anything other than putting Snuka back out. You kind of wish Snuka showed a little more urgency but Gorilla's raving on commentary actually made up for it. This was about as irate as Monsoon has ever been and he wanted that referee out on his ass. They even did a doctor stoppage and I loved how Gorilla and Patterson knew there was no way anybody was getting Andre the Giant out the ring on a stretcher. Piper was again amazing during the stoppage, shadowboxing and prancing around, fiddling with his tights just to remind everyone that he's carrying those knucks. 

Jimmy Snuka honestly kind of sucks, but after Andre got carted out it was up to Snuka to carry the load for his team. You knew Andre was going to come roaring back out at some point so there was anticipation amongst the crowd, but Snuka going buck wild after the ref' agreed to restart the match had them bouncing. It didn't hurt that Piper and Schultz were basically perfect in their role and made everything Snuka did look great. You also knew they'd eventually make the numbers advantage count, and when they did Monsoon barely stopped short of proclaiming the ref' unfit for purpose. When a bandaged and bloody Andre comes rampaging back out to the ring the place erupted, just like you knew it would.  I guess the finish was a bit of a let-down relative to the rest of the match, but I like that they never had Andre get his full revenge on Piper and it was Schultz who ate that particular bullet. What an amazing spectacle of a thing. 

Complete & Accurate Hot Rod

The very best Eddie v Rey...?

Eddie Guerrero v Rey Mysterio (Smackdown!, 6/23/05) - EPIC

First time I've watched this in 10 years. It is, as you can imagine, still a wonderful bit of the pro wrestling, just two guys at the absolute peak of their powers having a sensational wrestling match. I've said this about three dozen times over the last 15 years and more than a handful of times on this here stupid blog, but Eddie's performance is one of the absolute best I've ever seen. It's right there with Fujiwara v Maeda in '87, Hashimoto v Tenryu in '93, Misawa in the '96 Tag League, Piper against Valentine at Starrcade, Lawler in the '85 Loser Leaves Town, Casas v Ultimo Dragon in '93, the Tonga Kid on any MSG card. He's a cold, twitchy mess on his way out and I don't know if it was the make-up crew working some magic or he went full method actor and didn't sleep for a week, but he had those bags under his eyes that I would have when I was doing a PhD and I too wanted to murder someone. His inability to beat Rey was literally giving him sleepless nights! I thought they managed to strike a great balance between highlighting the right aspects of a hate feud, while also reinforcing that at its core this was about WINNING. That's what Eddie's obsession stemmed from, the fact he couldn't beat Rey Mysterio in a wrestling match. If Rey's out for revenge then the best way to get it is to yet again beat Eddie in a WRESTLING match. It's not a blood feud in the way Slaughter/Sheik was, it was more like a Steamboat/Savage only with Eddie in a bastardised heel Steamboat role. Prolly. Anyway the urgency early on is great. There's no wasted motion, to borrow some cliché terminology. Everything is hit clean and it has snap and there's no daylight on any of it. Even something like Eddie yanking Rey into a drop toe hold or Rey whipping Eddie over with an armdrag has a little extra bite. Rey hits a running legdrop and I loved how he bounced off the ropes as quick as he could and landed with almost no vertical height on it, all the force coming in at a horizontal angle, just because it gave Eddie less opportunity to recover or sit up. Eddie takes no liberties in that opening stretch and even breaks clean a couple times, maybe somewhat surprisingly, but Rey still comes away with a bloody lip just from a tie-up. You know Eddie is going to let loose eventually, though. He's just building anticipation with smirks and faux-sportsmanship, waiting for that one moment, but through it all you can SEE how much he hates Rey. If looks could kill then Mysterio would've been in the ground six times over already. The work on Eddie's bruised oblique makes sense because that thing is a livid purple bullseye to be targeted, plus Rey is appropriately violent going after it. Then we get the transition with Eddie being unable to keep his temper in check any longer. Or maybe he never planned on keeping it in check anyway and just wanted to fuck with Rey, but however you slice it the shove off the top was great and the perfect dickhead move, the one they'd been building to all match. Then Eddie ramps everything up to 14. He goes after Rey like a demon and it's some of my favourite work of his career, and Cole's line about metamorphosis feels dead on. That switch is flicked and he's in kill mode now. It's not just the actual STUFF he's doing, not just how he works the control segment by going after the back, it's the way he does it, the way he puts across his own frustration when Rey won't stay down and how that frustration grows as the match progresses, the way he'll cut Rey off and that'll settle him down a bit, how he'll show how much he's enjoying hurting Mysterio, the shit-talking, the assuredness in the moment even though he's been bitten enough times that you know he shouldn't get ahead of himself, everything just lands perfectly for me. Then there's the blatant cheating, using the carny moves like grabbing Rey's tights so the ref' will admonish him which will then allow him to outright choke Rey with the other hand, Rey gagging and spluttering so it looks like Eddie has a proper handful of trachea. The part where he has Rey in a full nelson and uses the straps on Rey's mask to choke him is fucking incredible stuff. Those are the little things that put it over the top; things like Rey firing back by kicking Eddie in that bruised side and Eddie reacting to it exactly how you'd expect someone being kicked in a bruised side would react. The finishing run has all the selling and pacing and drama and everything else and you can see it slipping away from Eddie again. Rey's too quick and he's in Eddie's head and Rey will find a way, because against Eddie he ALWAYS finds a way. Eddie's maniacal laugh as the show closes is an absolutely brilliant visual. This might be the peak of 00s WWE.

Complete & Accurate Guerrero Brothers

Rey Project

Send Shots to Your Liver, Rey Delivers You Death. You can Barter Your Tomorrow but a Martyr You're Left

Rey Mysterio v JBL (Judgment Day, 5/21/06)

The first Rey Mysterio World Title run is a peculiar thing. It feels like every match or feud that came out of it, and I guess a bunch of what came directly before and after it, was built at least to some degree around using the death of Eddie Guerrero to get heat. The Orton feud leading up to Wrestlemania, this feud, the Chavo feud after Rey dropped the belt, all of it was Eddie-focused in one way or another. On the one hand you wish they'd let Rey stand on his own, but if you're going to have a heel spit on the memory of a dead man then there's probably no one more loathsome to pick for that task than JBL. And this was an awesome loathsome heel performance from Bradshaw, matched by an equally awesome underdog babyface performance from Rey. Layfield is just detestable and even Taz, who would usually remain fairly neutral on commentary if not somewhat heel-leaning, was calling him a bastard midway through. JBL threatened to punch Rey's wife, then later took a break from clobbering Rey to blow her a kiss and Taz had to stop mid-sentence just to confirm he'd seen what he thought he'd seen. Cole: "Yeah. He did. Idiot." Rey bleeding from inside the white mask is extremely lucha and I loved Bradshaw smearing it on his hands, punching the wound, revelling in drawing blood. The transition spot that split Rey open looked brutal as fuck too, just a head-first torpedo throw into the steps that I'm not actually sure was intentional. Rey doing the sliding dropkick to JBL's willy was great, then later we get a rare heel revenge spot as Rey goes for the bronco buster and Bradshaw raises a boot and Rey about tears himself in half up the middle by landing on it. Ref' gets bumped, JBL destroys Rey with a powerbomb, then when Rey kicks out JBL decks the second ref' with one of the best punches he's ever thrown. I like that he never got to hit the lariat and Rey finishing him with the frog splash was fitting, especially given JBL's use of the wee shoulder shimmy and Three Amigos earlier. Well actually it was Four Amigos as he hit a front suplex over the top rope on the last one. His complete lack of grace on the hip swivel was also very awesome and I'm convinced he did it on purpose. He looked like a turtle that had been kicked out its shell. 

Rey Project

Eddie v JBL (part 2)

Eddie Guerrero v JBL (Bullrope Match) (Great American Bash, 6/27/04) - GREAT

As far as bullrope matches go this wasn't quite Hansen v Colon, but it's probably the best bullrope match WWE has ever done. I mean I'm sure they've done at least a couple, right? The early parts are a wee bit tentative, both of them almost seeing what they could do without the bullrope getting in the way. Then they settle into their groove pretty quickly and things pick up nicely. They do a little back and forth part midway through where they each touch three of the corners before being interrupted, and I liked it as a bit of foreshadowing for what to expect at the end. Also shows how difficult it'll be for one of them to essentially drag the other around the ring so they can touch all four corners, especially if the guy on the other end of that rope is in no mood to be cooperating. We get a couple of the bullrope/strap/chain match staples as JBL gets the rope pulled into his privates, Eddie uses it to yoink him into the ring post, then JBL chucks Eddie all the way across the announcer's table just to get rid of him for a second. Eddie braining him with the chair in a carbon copy of Judgment Day was an amazing callback and one that didn't feel completely on the nose. JBL doesn't bleed to the extent Eddie did at Judgment Day because quite frankly that would be impossible short of a legitimate stabbing, but he does get nice colour and his blood-loss selling was really good from that point forward. There were a couple great moments where Eddie would almost have all four corners touched and JBL would just curl up on the mat and wrap his legs around the rope and refuse to move. What else could he do? For Eddie it was sign of frustration, because JBL has the weight to just lie there on the ground, as well as the long legs to cling to a rope or post. So Eddie would need to escalate things, which he does with the frog splash, but again as he almost touches the fourth corner JBL outright rolls to the floor. He just lies there after it, half dead, knowing at least that he can't LOSE the match out there. Eddie's first table bump is a corker as he tries to drag JBL back in the ring but gets yeeted from the apron over the announce desk by the bullrope. The table doesn't break and Eddie just bounces off the thing, so JBL powerbombs him on it and that very much broke the table. JBL doesn't so much win in the end as opposed to find himself in a fortuitous spot, but you do what you need to do and those fine margins matter.

Complete & Accurate Guerrero Brothers

Eddie Gettin' MAD, Rey Gettin' EVEN

Eddie Guerrero v Rey Mysterio (Judgment Day, 5/22/05) - EPIC

You'll be shocked to hear that this is a very good wrestling match. I may have mentioned a time or two that Eddie v Rey is my favourite match up in wrestling history, and I've possibly also mentioned that their '05 feud is my favourite of all Eddie Guerrero v Rey Mysterio. This was early in the feud, the first match after the Eddie turn where he gave Rey the disgusting brainbuster on the steps. It led to the best mic work of Eddie's career and maybe his best ever line: "I have your blood on my hands, Rey. At Judgment Day...I'll have your LIFE!" Rey walking out rather than springing from the floor already gives the match a different feel. It's a different Rey, a necessary shift to deal with a different Eddie. And you will not be surprised by this but I thought Eddie was amazing here. Well both of them were, but Eddie is sort of mesmerising. Cold, aloof, dead-eyed, a man with some issues deep in the psyche somewhere. There was one Mysterio fan over in the front row and Eddie would stare a hole in them a few times throughout the match, I think at one point hurling some abuse at them in Spanish. At the end, after he'd obliterated Rey with a chair, he turned to that Mysterio fan and his look suggested he'd have taken the chair to them next if he could get away with it. I know Eddie was almost cartoon villain-ish by the time they hit the Great American Bash, but he was still grounded at this point and that actually made him seem more dangerous, or at least more believable. Rey is super aggressive early and hits the best mounted punches of his career, then Eddie takes over and never really gives up control until the last few minutes. This is one of your classic dissections of a body part, a proper dismantling, first when he hits the spinebuster onto the table before going to work on the taped ribs. At one point he flashes a grin, only for about half a second, but it was enough where you knew he was enjoying what he was doing to the wee fella. I've said this a bunch of times before but there are very few people I'd rather see work a heat segment than Eddie. He works over the midsection with holds, impact moves, strikes, cutoffs that keep the ribs in focus, everything. He goes from a high-angled single-leg crab into an ugly SFT, wastes Rey with a big back suplex, works a nasty abdominal stretch where he clasps his own hands behind his back, just a bunch of great stuff. His Three Amigos are once again the best ever and it's mental how nobody ever learned how to swivel their hips when copying it, other than by god Logan Paul. I liked how there were still some flashes of Latino Heat, just less charming and good-natured, like when they were both throwing punches and Eddie kind of half shimmied the shoulders to get fired up. It was the early stage of his descent into MADNESS, still some of the old Eddie in there but gradually being pared away. The 619 around the post outside gives Rey his first real opening and from there they work a nice finishing run, albeit one where they were clearly saving stuff for further down the line. I loved Rey's aggression again though, like when he comes steaming out the corner with a fuckin big boot! There was one nearfall after a superplex where you knew Eddie had snapped just by the way he looked at the ref' before immediately covering Rey again, this time with the leg hooked tight. Shortly after that he goes for the chair and then we get the DQ finish. As far as DQ finishes go I liked it, although I would've liked it more if they'd got there there without Chavo being involved. As a first match in the series it did the trick though, and more than that it was a great first chapter in Eddie Guerrero's spiral. I remember reading about him being frustrated that some fans were still hesitant to boo him, but I think that was largely down to who he was to people the same way Negro Casas was never going to be booed in Arena Mexico or El Hijo del Santo pretty much anywhere or after a certain point Flair in the Carolinas, or I guess even Austin no matter what he did. It sure wasn't for the lack of trying on Eddie's part.

Complete & Accurate Guerrero Brothers

Rey Project

Reigns v Styles

Roman Reigns v AJ Styles (Payback, 5/1/16)

What the hell man? I know this has been talked up pretty much since it happened, but I wasn't expecting to think it was this good. It was exceptional and easily one of my favourite WWE matches of the 2010s. This period of WWE is a whole blur of nothing to me so I had no idea Reigns was even the champion coming in. Was this after he beat Helmsley at Wrestlemania? Or did they let him wrestle someone actually interesting like the Repo Man or Tatanka? The crowd are not particularly fond of him, I'll tell you that. It's a wee bit jarring watching Kevlar vest Reigns work babyface to a chorus of boos. I actually think this Reigns was a more interesting wrestler than current Tribal Chief Reigns even if the latter is much better as a character, but either way, on this night, he never much tried to appease the folks who weren't down to ride with him anyway. Even if the roles weren't necessarily reversed, AJ in some ways worked more like a babyface than Reigns. I thought both guys were great, though. Say whatever about AJ, but his execution on stuff is always terrific and everything looked CLEAN here, all of his bumps had real snap and he brought flash without doing too much. Early on he was clearly just trying to get under Reigns' skin and I guess it was a strength v speed match up when you boil it down, albeit one layered with strategy that they both communicated really well. AJ was outright telling Reigns to chase him and eventually Reigns got annoyed enough to do it, which obviously led to openings for Styles. AJ's strike flurries were really good, he had about three big ones, each adding an extra strike or two, culminating with the Pele Kick on his final flurry that Reigns sold like a sledgehammer blow. There was one point where he landed a mean back elbow to Reigns' jaw (Reigns sells getting elbowed in the jaw as well as anyone ever, btw), then when he tried it again later Reigns ducked it and Styles immediately rolled him into the Calf Crusher. It was kind of staggering how often they pulled off things like that without them looking contrived or telegraphed. I mean WWE is a company now where stylistically they butter their bread on reversal-heavy matches, but it's not always easy to do a ton of reversals, especially intricate ones, without it being obvious that those reversals are coming. I thought basically every big moment came off as organically as you could ask for here, from teased finishers to big table bumps to the finishing stretch as a whole and then the finish itself. Even the nearfalls were brilliant and they managed to get huge reactions off a select few of them. The table bump was spectacular as Reigns got cut in half off the Phenomenal Forearm without jumping into it and trying to soften the blow. He just ate that thing and let the edge of the table do what it would to his kidneys and lower back. They timed things like the Superman Punch reversal to the second Forearm perfectly, set up the Spear without it looking obvious, even stuff early in the match where they'd do rope-running sequences didn't look contrived, especially the one where Roman clotheslined AJ clean out his boots. I loved all of Reigns' mannerisms throughout. He's a great seller through facial expressions and body language and actually employing some subtlety and he did all of that here. Early on AJ would throw a series of leg kicks and Reigns was great at sporadically trying to work out a knot in his hamstring during the match, not drawing so much attention to it that you think it's actively hurt or a "story point," but enough where it puts over something relatively innocuous as being potentially dangerous. It was realistic, like during an actual sporting contest where a player will try and stretch out or massage a dead leg. After that first restart he was amazing at selling the effects of going through the table, slowly crawling away from Styles while the latter went up top to finish the job. During that early part where AJ was riling him up you could tell Reigns took pleasure in shutting him down when he finally grabbed him. He rolled Styles up at one point, not really to pin him but more to set him up for what was pretty much a one-armed powerbomb, and for a move that always requires obvious cooperation from the person taking it Reigns just yoinked Styles up with enough force that it did not look as if Styles had a say in the matter. He also picked Styles up for a regular powerbomb while Styles was flat on the mat, and again it was just pure strength, very little input from AJ. That boy was getting flung about whether he liked it or not. I could see some folk being iffy on the restarts, but if nothing else I thought they allowed Reigns and Styles a little extra time to recover from the things that caused the match to end in the first place. Both stoppages were only like 30 seconds anyway so at least they never detracted from the wrestlers in favour of McMahon power struggle nonsense.

Eddie v JBL (part 1)

Eddie Guerrero v JBL (Judgment Day, 5/16/04) - EPIC

Well this is still good. It's the first look at JBL in a big singles spot after he sold the Acolyte Protection Agency and purchased an office space in New York. All of his anti-Latin rhetoric (i.e. blatant racism) leading into this is basically the catalyst for the Trump presidency campaign and the Latin-American community gets to live vicariously through Eddie Guerrero as he kicks the living shit out of the racist millionaire for a few minutes. JBL had also caused Eddie's mother to have a heart attack leading up to this, so naturally Eddie's mood is much different than it was against Angle at Wrestlemania. The early stuff with Eddie working on top is good and obviously Eddie is great at playing fired up babyface. Bradshaw gets almost nothing and actively begs off, a real cowardly lump. What that early stretch establishes is that Eddie isn't interested in BEATING Bradshaw as opposed to beating the brakes off him. He'll worry about actually winning the match later. You see that when Bradshaw is basically out cold on the floor and the ref' is at nine, so Eddie scoots back in to break it rather than staying in there for the count out win. BUT as he rolls back out JBL catches him and whips him into the steps, which was a nice way to start the transition. That sort of thing happened a few times and was a cool theme throughout -- Eddie being a wee bit overzealous, eager in his pursuit of VENGEANCE, and Bradshaw using it to his advantage. The second instance came shortly after that to properly swing the momentum, with Eddie going for a plancha, JBL catching him and hitting the fallaway slam on the floor. There was the old Scott Keith talking point about Bradshaw going to the headlock in this because he sucks and needed a rest hold for a while. I don't really care if he was gassed or not but the headlock worked, the way he really leaned his weight on top of Eddie and squeezed the thing tight. Plus you bought him going to that just so he could keep a lid on Eddie, anything that would rein him in and keep his temper in check. When that temper does flare up again Bradshaw bumps nicely off a couple armdrags, but again he can use Eddie's momentum against him as he backdrops him across one of the announcer's tables. JBL working the bearhug keeps with his containment strategy, using his size, not letting Eddie put anything together. The ref' bump off Eddie's comeback has always felt like one of the better ones. It's not contrived or obvious, Eddie just turns and runs into him and Hebner Junior goes flying. Then they go to the floor and Bradshaw fucking vaporises Eddie with the chair and Eddie's bladejob is the stuff of nightmares. I've seen this match half a dozen times in the last 10 years and it always shocks me how much blood he manages to squirt out his head. Literally seconds after the bladejob he's a total mess and one close-up shot alone elicits a holy shit chant. Everything after that is amazing. I guess a comparison would be Shawn/Undertaker in the cell, with Shawn's bladejob kicking off an epic finishing run. It's one of Eddie's greatest performances and maybe his greatest as a babyface. The blood-loss selling is just fantastic, though I imagine there must've been some of this that wasn't selling. He leaves literal puddles of blood on the mats outside, the canvas, bleeds so much that JBL is covered in it. At one point he actually slips on blood splatter which is just ridiculous and Cole is affronted at the state of him. The ring looks like a butcher's apron and JBL is measuring shots and punching Eddie in the cut, his hands covered in blood damn near up to the elbow. I thought the second ref' bump was great as well, partly because of how Eddie set it up. JBL goes for the lariat and Eddie, nearly bled out, rather than ducking just throws himself at Bradshaw's feet to trip him, or maybe he just fell and happened to land fortuitously, at which point Bradshaw wellies the ref'. The Clothesline from Hell that actually connects is legit Hansen level, then he powerbombs Eddie with so much force it fucking wakes up the first ref'! After Eddie kicks out to a monster pop, JBL immediately covers him again and Eddie's next kick out gets the same pop, which basically never happens but Eddie has lost so much blood that it's a plausible nearfall. That final blood-soaked shimmy is one of the best comeback spots ever and then the DQ finish is great. Bradshaw has almost killed this man legit and he won't stay down, so he tries to pull one of Eddie's tricks with the steel chair bait and switch, but it backfires and Eddie smashes him with the belt, clearly not caring about winning or losing, not that he ever really did. Then there's the post-match beatdown, which is about as satisfying as you could ask for if you thought the actual finish was deflating. 

Complete & Accurate Guerrero Brothers

Michaels v Undertaker...in the Cell!

Shawn Michaels v The Undertaker (Hell in a Cell) (Badd Blood: In Your House, 10/5/97) 

It's funny how we go in cycles with stuff. 15 years ago I probably would've called this the best match in WWE history. 10 years ago it might've been the 20th. Five years ago I might not have even considered it good. I don't know where I would rank it today, but I thought on the whole it was maybe sort of quite possibly magnificent. Or you know, at least pretty fuckin good! 

I thought Michaels was maybe the best he's ever been here, certainly as a pinballing bump machine idiot. I know some people find him too much, really in all aspects of wrestling or just life in general, but pinballing bump machine Michaels has always been my favourite Michaels. I think the idea that he was always trying to make opponents look stupid or lesser than him has been a little overblown through the years. There were absolutely times where he was out to do that and if you don't actually LIKE him bumping around then that's another matter entirely, but I think for the most part he did it to make it look like he was getting pummelled. I don't think his philosophy in that respect was much different than a Curt Hennig's. And the story of this thing is about Shawn Michaels getting pummelled. He'd cost Undertaker the WWF title when he tried to take the head off Bret Hart and missed, then he went past the point of no return when he tried to take the head off the Undertaker and didn't miss. At the previous PPV he got kicked up and down the place but in the end he ran away and lived to fight another day. If running away failed he had HHH and Chyna and Rick Rude to watch his back. Undertaker was a semi-lucid cadaver and had no mates at all after Paul Bearer betrayed him and who wants to hang around with a zombie anyway? So Jack Tunney or whoever the hell was running shit at this point threw them in a cage, nowhere to go, one on one, as level a playing field as you could get. 

The opening third is about what you expect. Michaels tries to run before they even close the door, realising immediately that he's up shit creek without a paddle or a Chyna, but obviously he gets dragged back in and from that point on he's a dead man walking. This isn't a hate-filled brawl between two guys who despise each other. It's not Duggan v DiBiase. If we're talking cornered rats finally being forced into a fight it's not Tully v Magnum. It's not even a contest really, it's a total destruction by one guy who has all the time in the world to savour it, while the guy being destroyed has no way of horseshitting his way out of it. That cat's used all nine lives. 

Look, Undertaker in control is fine. He does stuff. He walks around, works methodical, soaks in the opportunity to batter this deeply unlikeable individual. It's a nice enough Michael Myers performance. Un-killable monster isn't always the most compelling thing in the world because you can't really buy the opponent putting him in any peril, but the early parts were about Michaels getting his rear end handed to him and they accomplished that well. I loved how anything Michaels could muster that might even approach a comeback materialised because he'd just cling to the cage like a limpet. There was one point where Undertaker hoisted him up for a powerbomb outside, Michaels grabbed the cage and started throwing punches while up on Undertaker's shoulders, but then after a few Undertaker just powerbombed him three times into the cage itself. Michaels takes about four flat back bumps off of clotheslines on the floor with ridiculous snap given how little padding those mats actually provide. 

When Michaels actually manages that comeback he does it again by using the cell, and this was a great comeback. It was a slower burn, not a case of one move connecting and there's your momentum shift. That would've been preposterous unless you figure Undertaker could somehow punch himself out. First it was Michaels ducking a clothesline and Undertaker hitting the cage, then he shoved Undertaker off the apron back into it, and finally he hit a tope that squashed him against it. After he's taken over Michaels sticks to using the cell, climbing up the side and jumping off with stomps and an elbow drop, then there's the piledriver on the steps that's an amazing spot. The sound off the thing was disgusting and it might be the best piledriver to ever happen in WWE. They also play off some HISTORY~ when Michaels brings in the chair and wellies Undertaker in the back with it.

I thought the way they opened the cage was great. I mean you absolutely unequivocally ten hunner thousand percent buy Shawn Michaels being unprofessional enough to legit kick fuck out of a cameraman for just getting in his road. Undertaker sitting up after the superkick is one of those things that might irritate some folk, but I'm one of those people who thinks the Ultimate Warrior kicking out of five Macho Man elbow drops is the greatest spot in the history of our great sport so I don't have any real problem with it. Michaels' "okay enough of this carry on" reaction was perfection and I fully bought him running for the hills. 

Everything after that is about as good as it gets. They'd teased Michaels getting lawn darted into the cell earlier only for him to slip out the back of it, so them going back to it outside and him playing human javelin twice was a great payoff. The slingshot is something Michaels always made look good considering it's kind of stupid as a concept, and this one looked like he got shot out of a cannon face-first into the cage. The bladejob off of that is epic and disgusting and then you've got him trying to climb the cell to get away, only for Undertaker to be one of those undead who isn't completely mindless and scales the thing with the HASTE of a man half his size. The gorilla press slam up top is an amazing spot, one that's even crazier in hindsight considering we know what happened to Foley a few months later. I also forgot about Michaels trying to hit another piledriver as soon as Undertaker got up there, which of course was reversed. Michaels stumbling around, bloody and confused like that Mr Krabs meme, looking for salvation thirty feet in the air, might be the best work of his career. Then there's the table bump, which is still incredible even if it isn't the wildest table bump to have happened in an Undertaker hell in a cell match. I loved the little touch of Undertaker stomping on one hand, Michaels feebly clinging on with the other, then that one is stomped on and you're like holy shit he might actually die here, Lawler shouting "INCOMIIIIING" as Michaels plummets to earth. Michaels also gest chucked across the other table while he's tangled in cables and cords and bits of blood-stained paper are strewn everywhere, then he gets slammed on the first table's debris. Just a maniacal bump orgy from Michaels. They even hit a top rope chokeslam back in the ring, and then the chair shot might be the nastiest in recorded history, the perfect exclamation on this particular revenge tour. Shawn leaving literal puddles of blood on the mat is a phenomenal visual, the cell door is locked again, Undertaker is satisfied with what he's done. This puppy's all but over. 

The Kane debut is honest to god one of the most vivid memories of my childhood. I remember my friend and I back then wondering if this Kane person that Paul Bearer kept going on about was actually real. We spent one afternoon looking through the covers of old WWF video tapes and we convinced ourselves that Kane was actually the original Undertaker, the one with the big purple patches under his eyes, and that the current one appeared much later. Thankfully neither my friend nor I spend our days raving on twitter about Damar Hamlin's body double, but at the time we suspected something fishy. In the end we were both wrong. I watched this PPV the night after it aired, sleeping on a mattress on the floor in the living room so I could watch it on the big TV, and my jaw was on the floor when this giant in red and black came out to the eerie music, Paul Bearer beaming with satisfaction. Kane was real and he was here for the Undertaker. I couldn't stop thinking about it for days and it's still probably the best thing Kane was ever involved in.

As a finish I think it's pretty much perfect. Michaels didn't win the thing, he only survived it long enough for the Undertaker's past to come back and haunt him. He might've crawled over for the cover but he doesn't have a clue what happened in the end and he was out like a light when Hebner counter to three. There's a close up of him after the bell, lying with one hand across the Undertaker's chest, blood pouring out his head as another puddle of it forms on the mat. He's literally dragged out the ring and up the aisle and Chyna has to raise his arm in victory while Helmsley does the suck it chop across Shawn's crotch and not for a second does it look like Michaels knows what's going on. I guess some cats have more than nine lives.

Michaels v Angle - The Wrestlemania Dream Match

Shawn Michaels v Kurt Angle (Wrestlemania 21, 4/3/05)

I had no intention of ever watching this again, but on the sort of whim one only gets on a day off work with nothing better to do I did in fact watch it again, probably for the first time in 15 years. And honestly, somewhat shockingly, I thought it was very, very decent! Michaels slaps Angle right at the start, then again later, I guess just to get under his skin and rile an already mad bastard up even more. Even as a man of god, a good Christian fella, Michaels will always find a way to be a wee prick. The early stuff with Michaels working the headlock and a brief short armscissors was good and didn't feel stupid. I liked Angle getting more and more frustrated, yanking Shawn's hair, at one point checking to see if his cauliflower ear hadn't burst and looking at Michaels like he wanted to throttle him. They have a nice uncooperative bit of phone booth boxing in the corner and as the ref' drags Shawn away Angle just clubs him in the neck to take over. The big transition leads to the back work you all know is coming, but the Angle Slam into the post is a great spot even if it didn't land perfectly. Still, the INTENT is what matters and then the actual back work was pretty good. Angle was appropriately vicious and I loved him digging the knee into Michaels' kidneys and ripping his head back by the hair to apply a bow and arrow. Shawn's wild cross body that busted Angle's mouth open was a great spot and the follow up with the springboard splash onto the table was a believable way to get him back into things. That essentially works as the reset and I thought the finishing run from then on out was excellent. 15 years ago I'd have hated Angle popping up from the missed moonsault to hit the top rope Angle Slam, but really at this point I don't even care. It's not like Shawn had strung together much offence anyway -- Angle had basically missed that one move in the previous few minutes and if you want to stretch things you could say he played possum to bait Michaels into climbing in the first place. The subsequent nearfall was off the charts as well. This was pretty much perfect roid jockey lunatic Angle, screaming at Michaels to tap out, literally spitting blood, eyes nearly popping out of his shiny bald head. The surprise superkick after that was amazing, and even if Michaels' dead-eyed slow crawl selling was goofy it at least kept the pacing believable. And that in turn let the final Angle pop-up stay believable, with Shawn getting back to his feet like a pensioner and Angle jolting back to life and grabbing the ankle lock, like something from a horror movie as Lawler mentions on commentary. I thought that last bit with Angle hooking the hold and Michaels trying like crazy to fight him off was sensational. He'd roll through and Angle would go with him, he'd twist and squirm and Angle would just make guttural animal noises and they milked the eventual tap out perfectly. It's not easy to have the crowd completely on strings during an extended submission like that. At a certain point you kind of know they're reaching the ropes, and if they don't it'll usually drag on too long and the heat will dwindle a bit because THEN it's obvious the tap out is coming. This hit the sweet spot and it might actually be the best acting I've ever seen from Michaels. 

Backlund's last ride! Shawn v Razor!

Bret Hart v Bob Backlund (Superstars, 7/30/94)

This is unlike basically every other WWF match of the era. There are definitely some stylistic anomalies in 90s WWF, things like Valentine v Garvin and even Doink v Mr Perfect, but not in a World Title match. I don't think anybody other than Bret would've been able to have this match with Backlund, not at this point in 1994 WWF; not Owen, not Waltman, certainly not Michaels. Backlund is all Backlund noises and unpredictable and will just sort of do shit that it looks like Bret really wasn't expecting (in both kayfabe and "narrative" terms). He'll grab Bret with a waistlock and roll around the mat, throw a crazy stiff forearm from his knees, go out after Bret when the latter regroups so he can throw him back in immediately, pops up from a dropdown that Bret trips over and goes flying out the ring. Maybe not all of those were LEGIT unexpected, maybe the dropdown was planned, but either way they all came off like that and they all added to the story. There was one point where Bret threw a headbutt, one of his usual ones that looks good but in very worked fashion, and he sells his own head in a cool touch. Then from out of camera shot as he's standing up Backlund just lunges at him with his own headbutt, but this one looking much less worked, almost like a Fujiwara headbutt right to the cheek. I guess it was two guys with different approaches meeting somewhere in the middle, and it wasn't always the smoothest but if nothing else that added to the grittiness of it. There was a mid-match bridge sequence that Backlund bridged out of twice, showing some really impressive core strength for a guy people thought might be over the hill, then takes Bret over with one of the tightest backslides you'll ever see. Bret's arm work looked snug and a couple times I bought him really gripping that short arm scissors just to keep Backlund contained for a minute. Backlund as perpetual forward motion wasn't quite the force of 14 years earlier, his engine not quite as robust, but he could still spike someone with a piledriver. I thought the finish was great too. Backlund almost catches Bret with the inside cradle and celebrates thinking he actually got the pin, which was very Bob Backlund. Then Bret catches him with a cradle of his own and there goes Backlund's chance. I can't imagine he'll get another one. 

Shawn Michaels v Razor Ramon (RAW, 8/1/94)

I watched this for the first time back in like 2009 and I thought it was shockingly great. I couldn't remember seeing a regular Shawn v Razor singles match of note, and here was this one coming out of nowhere and being awesome. It wasn't quite the same surprise these many centuries down the line, more good than great, but good is nothing to shake a jaggy stick at as my great, great, great grandmother would often tell me. It felt more like a PPV match than a TV one. They kind of flip the roles a little with Razor working more from above and Shawn mostly being on the back foot, though they both very much remain babyface and heel respectively. It made sense because Michaels at this stage was an incredibly fun pinball stooge idiot bump machine but not really compelling working from above at all. Razor isn't the most sympathetic or expressive babyface but he has enough STUFF to fill time on offence, so they lean mostly into those strengths. The early going was my favourite stretch of the match as you had Michaels trying to use speed and even a wee bit of brinkmanship with how much he could try, while Razor was far less mobile but could swing momentum with only a couple moves, or in some cases just the one. Michaels tries to get in the ring on three sides but gets popped in the mouth and lands hard on all three aprons, then on the fourth attempt just pokes Razor in the eye before he gets jabbed again. He tries to fake out Razor with a dive out the corner, Razor seems to bite by hitting the deck, but it turns out HE was doing the faking out and catches Shawn on his actual dive before hitting the fallaway slam. There's a brief run of Shawn offence and it's not great, but that gets cut short when Razor slingshots him clean over the ropes and Michaels goes flying into Diesel. It may have honestly been the best slingshot spot ever, one that the Tonga Kid would shed a tear at. When Michaels takes over again late on there are some elements of Flair as he just tries to cling to Razor with a sleeper, sort of working like Flair against a Sting or Nikita Koloff or whoever. It was cool revisiting this for the first time in about 14 years.

1994 WWF Project

BROCK LESNAR (but do it in the Heyman voice)

Brock Lesnar v Roman Reigns v Samoa Joe v Braun Strowman (Summerslam, 8/20/17)

Okay, so last month I watched the Eddie/Benoit/X-Pac/Jericho fatal fourway from No Way Out 2001, wrote about it here and said it was probably the best fourway in WWE history. It was also noted that fatal fourways kind of suck so the bar for best fatal fourway might not be very high, but either way it's a really fun match. HOWEVER, I was dead fuckin wrong about it being the best fatal fourway in WWE history. My god this is a riot of a thing. It feels like the perfect encapsulation of modern WWE -- big set piece moments, lots of heat from the WWE Universe, four BIG BOIS doing BIG BOI SHIT. How did they fuck up so badly with Strowman? He looks like the next megastar here and that first stretch of the match with him tearing the place apart is seven star territory. The initial face off with Lesnar felt massive and the crowd were so ready for it to happen. I was initially disappointed that they cut it off before even locking horns when Reigns and Joe appeared, but then both of those two were swiftly dispatched leading to another Lesnar/Braun face off, the crowd even MORE ready for it to happen, and then this time it actually does. Braun hucking Lesnar about the place like a child was amazing and it's a shame Lesnar went the "that doesn't work for me, brother" route with Strowman, because on this night he made him look like an absolute juggernaut. People were not the least bit pleased about Reigns clotheslining Strowman over the top rope, but then Strowman just...didn't go over and instead chucked Reigns away by the vest and they should've called an audible and put the belt on him right there. The sequence where Strowman slams Lesnar through the first announce desk, then throws a swivel chair at Joe and Reigns, then slams Lesnar through the second announce deck, then tips the THIRD desk on top of him -- perfect. Heyman on his knees shrieking "BROOOOCK!" damn near in tears like a bereaved spouse was incredible and then Strowman picks up the steps and fucking whomps anybody else who gets close to him. The floor over on that side of the ring looked like a mortar bomb had gone off. If you're doing to do a stretcher job on Brock Lesnar then you better make it look good and this looked amazing. Brock's face was beetroot purple as well, like it was about to explode from pressure build up. I say this every time I talk about a triple threat or fatal fourway but it's hard to do these matches without having moments where one or more of the participants are just kind of chilling out the way, selling for extended periods off of things that normally wouldn't have them selling for extended periods. Even when Lesnar was out of the equation for a while and it became a triple threat - where it's even more difficult to come up with sensible ways to keep the odd man away from the action - they never had someone linger on the peripheries for ages. They rotated in and out and the stuff that kept one man down for a little while was plausible. Very little looked contrived and so much of modern WWE feels contrived to me, so the fact they managed to make it look organic is sort of astonishing. Reigns smashing the point of the steps into Strowman's ear was ugly as fuck and also gave a little raggedness to something that would've had to be mapped out meticulously. When Lesnar comes back out like a blotchy mutant from hell you know someone's for getting chucked about the place and I think everyone got chucked about the place. Nobody is better at being speared than Brock, the way he'll take the thing almost fully upright, no loosening of the hips to absorb impact, a brick wall that you need to run through. Just a spectacular match and maybe the best example of a motorway pile-up in WWE history.

Brock Lesnar v AJ Styles (Survivor Series, 11/19/17)

We've established that it's hard to make a Brock Lesnar stretcher job look believable. It's almost just as difficult to make a Brock Lesnar opponent look like a legitimate threat, particularly when that opponent is undersized by about a hunner pounds. And well, Lesnar wasn't carted out on a stretcher here but they sure did make AJ Styles look like a legitimate threat despite being undersized by about a hunner pounds. For roughly a third of this it went how you'd expect. Lesnar obliterated Styles for 6-7 minutes unanswered, a 6-7-minute stretch that probably felt significantly longer to AJ. Lesnar was just launching him with suplexes, dumping him out the ring, and out on the floor he chucked him all face- and shoulder-first into the announcer's desk. It looked brutal as a bastard and Styles had a mean looking welt across his arm to show for it. There was one point where AJ was dead on the mat and Brock dragged him across the ring by the hair and threw him into the corner like AJ was a deer carcass being hung up on a hook to drain. AJ will obviously fly around like a maniac on bumps so that doesn't hurt either. I guess it's easy to draw this comparison because I watched Lesnar/Eddie recently, but AJ's comeback felt very similar to Eddie's against Brock from '04. The big moment where you go "oh AJ might actually have a chance here" was practically identical, with Brock missing the high knee in the corner and selling the leg (like in the Eddie match he managed to hit one earlier and this one AJ took right in the face like a maniac). It feels like AJ's weathered the storm and chips away at Lesnar, and Brock is all-time level at selling progressive fatigue and damage. AJ hits a couple dives and starts countering things he was getting bounced around with earlier, then Lesnar goes hurtling into the steps and leaves them dented with his own kneecaps. Even the botched tornado DDT worked fine for me because it looked like Brock just chucked AJ on his face to prevent it, or if you really want to stretch the boundaries of storytelling, his leg buckled and what was otherwise his one weak point actually became a boon in that moment. The F5 reversal into the Calf Crusher was a great spot and I shit you not, Lesnar grabbing AJ by the head and repeatedly bouncing it off the mat to escape is one of the best things I've seen in ages. Brock's leg nearly buckling as he catches AJ off the springboard was an awesome touch that Lesnar has a knack for, the way it looked like he was almost going down before righting himself and hitting it. This ruled a lot.

Another day of Eduardo Gory Guerrero Llanes versus Rey Óscar Gutiérrez Mysterio

Eddie Guerrero v Rey Mysterio (Smackdown!, 3/18/04) - EPIC

One of the most consistent match-ups in wrestling history delivering again, is it? I don't think I'll ever get as much joy out of watching two wrestlers match up as I do when watching Eddie and Rey. Not even Tenryu and Hashimoto, not Ishikawa and Ikeda, not Roddy Piper and the Tonga Kid. Five minutes, 15 minutes, 20 minutes, give me all of it. I've always loved this and I think it might be their third best match together (including WCW). Really the perfect TV world title match. It's not EXACTLY the same as the Bret/Kid match from '94, but there are definitely similarities with the face v face dynamic, the smaller-sized underdog being a high-risk machine, the babyface champion showing frustration while maintaining respect for the opponent, etc. I thought Eddie was tremendous here. He started with a handshake and the first couple minutes had some great exchanges, really quick and full of snap with Rey even hitting the gorgeous El Hijo del Santo sunset flip. Rey sends Eddie to the floor with a headscissors and Eddie is clearly annoyed, gets back in with temper flared, shoves Rey and Rey responds by slapping him and immediately going on the attack. As the match goes on Eddie gets more frustrated, but as Cole and Taz point out on commentary this is a new Latino Heat, one whose frustration can be channelled better and it won't send him off the rails. With increased frustration comes increased viciousness and the work on Rey's arm is sensational. The way it started was really cool, with Rey going for a wheelbarrow bulldog just to get flung into the buckles, and as he comes out holding the arm Eddie goes right after it. This is some of the nastiest hammerlock work you'll see, just wrenching the holy hell out of Rey's arm and rotator cuff and I would imagine some of Rey's vocal selling wasn't merely selling. The hangman's neckbreaker while the arm is hammerlocked is an amazing spot and one I still don't remember seeing Eddie do any other time. Later he grounds Rey to halt a comeback, WRENCHES the arm into that hammerlock again, then does a headstand bridge to just about rip the thing out the socket as Rey screams in agony. Eddie getting in the ref's face after it shouting "HE WAS TAPPING!" is a cool show of frustration and I love how he quickly composed himself, doing a little shuffle before putting the boots to Mysterio. Rey does the backflip DDT from Halloween Havoc '97 to start his proper comeback, and it's half botched because I don't think they ever managed to nail that clean after they did it that first time, but it still looked nasty as he landed with his entire weight on Eddie's head and neck, almost like a weird kind of piledriver. The finish even involves the arm for some bonus points. If we're making a direct comparison between this and Bret v Kid I'd put the latter slightly higher, but being a very marginally less awesome Bret Hart v 123 Kid is hardly an insult.

Complete & Accurate Guerrero Brothers

Rey Project

Piper Killed that Guilt with Some Getting to Church on Time, but He Couldn't Make it Through the Sermon Again

Roddy Piper & Bob Orton v Jimmy Snuka & The Tonga Kid (WWF, 12/28/84) - EPIC

Not that I've said this before, but good golly miss molly the Tonga Kid should've been a megastar. The very first Wrestlemania was only three months away, the Piper/Snuka feud was wrapping up. Job Mr T out to Piper before the PPV and have the Tonga Kid step in as T's replacement and then the next night have the Tonga Kid pin Hogan clean on Nitro. Stupid fuckin McMahon. Honestly the Piper/Snuka feud must've been one of the hottest things to grace the Garden, especially the second chapter of it after Snuka was taken out in MSG. He comes back just as Piper turns his attention to the Tonga Kid, Piper and the Kid have that match a month earlier with rabid heat and Snuka in the Kid's corner, the post-match of that sets up this, and now everyone in attendance is going full bonkers. Just perfect feud progression and heat-building. Does Bob Orton deserve a Complete & Accurate? Because he was awesome here. His forearm shivers all looked great, there was one falling elbow that he really made a point of measuring before dropping right in the Tonga Kid's face, then he hits a fucking top rope Vader Bomb and fully eats Snuka's knees in the landing. I loved the part where they were working over the Tonga Kid and Piper rammed Kid's head into Orton's elbow, but of course the Tonga Kid is one of them island folk so his head is granite-hard and Orton actually sold the elbow! He was taking a page out of Greg Valentine's playbook as well, grabbing the Kid by the ears and smashing the back of his head into the canvas. A real surly bastard performance and a great counterpoint to Piper's playing to the back row madness. Piper has two of the greatest eye pokes you've ever seen in this, btw. Nobody does it better than Hot Rod. The Tonga Kid is such a great face in peril, not just because he flies into everything and bumps big and EMOTES well, but because he really nails his timing on teased comebacks, way better than you'd expect from someone who'd been wrestling for all of one year. Plus he has charisma up to fuckin HERE and every exchange with Piper is off the charts. Even when you think they're about to take it home they keep going and the last couple minutes are super dramatic, everyone brawling around the ring, Snuka and the Kid roaring themselves into one last push, the roof coming off the place. I loved this so much.

Roddy Piper & Bob Orton v Jimmy Snuka & Junkyard Dog (Texas Tornado Rules) (WWF, 1/21/85) - FUN

I guess the Tonga Kid is out the door now because he doesn't seem to appear in any WWF footage for the year. They must've told him they weren't putting the belt on him at Wrestlemania and like a man who knows his own worth he decided to take his talents where they'd be appreciated. JYD is fun enough as a replacement and will do amusing headbutt shtick and possibly bite someone on the arse, but he's no Tonga Kid. The pre-match graphic has Piper hailing from "Glascow, Scotland" and somebody needs to have a word with these pricks. Glass Cow. Fuck up. In addition to that wanton ridiculousness this was dragged down a wee bit by an extended double sleeper hold segment in the middle, kind of built around JYD and Snuka trying to stay awake long enough to clasp hands, like the Arnold Schwarzenegger/Carl Weathers handshake meme from Predator or some sort of fusion ritual from Dragonball Z. I get that you can't really do a spot like that in a regular tag match, but it didn't do much for the heat and this is a crowd that is molten for every bit of Piper v Snuka. JYD's hand went down about seven times as well and you know Gorilla and Gene were absolutely hosing the ref' on commentary. If I was a WWF official I'd have gone on strike. To hell with those two. And I played fitba so I don't even like referees!

Complete & Accurate Hot Rod

Some Wrestlemania 39 stuff

I actually watched both nights in full, though only Night 2 live. I thought it was an awesome weekend of wrestling and one of the best combined PPVs (or Premium Live Events, if you weeeiiiill) they've ever done. Even the stuff I wasn't really arsed about came off fine. Some of it I've only watched once and I was heavily in my cups during it, but I re-watched my favourite things and they came off just as well as they did live. I'll also re-watch Reigns/Cody at some point but that fucker was like 50 minutes all in and I'm not ready to tackle it sober just yet. 

Charlotte Flair v Rhea Ripley

I thought the first third of this was okay and the final two thirds were pretty great. I'd read one or two things about this being the best women's match in company history, maybe even the best North American women's match ever. I don't know about that, but I sure bought into them trying to steal the show as a fuck you for not main eventing Night 1, and if nothing else they absolutely whomped the shit out of each other. It was about as physical as any women's match WWE have ever done and even those often-tired strike exchanges worked for me here more than they will 95% of the time. In the first third they set the tone with some of that striking, teased a few things that didn't come off but would later, it was a nice slow build title match. Then there was one chop exchange that carried a little extra weight and from there they had me completely. They flipped a switch then and everything they did, every layer they added, felt like they were building something incredible. They were shredding each other with those chops, easily the best I've ever seen Charlotte throw, and I loved how Rhea put a stop to it by just booting her in the guts and stomping on her foot. The pacing on every big nearfall was great and even those goofy moments with each of them pulling their own hair out in response to a kick-out felt earned. The first German suplex off the middle rope was a cool spot, but the second from a standing position was truly bonkers and Flair is a lunatic for taking that thing literally on her face. No hands, just nose-first with neck cranking at an ugly angle, one of those bumps you save for a moment like this. I also liked how she went for the figure-8 at several different points and Ripley either managed to fight her off, or on that last attempt make it to the ropes immediately. If Charlotte had applied it in the middle of the ring she might've been able to bridge up and the outcome would've been different, but she couldn't and it's something they can lean into if and when they run this pairing back. The finish ruled as well, first with the post bump and then Ripley hitting the avalanche Riptide. A big finish for a big match. Maybe they really should've gone on last. 

Brock Lesnar v Omos

Goofy cowboy babyface Lesnar was pretty fun for a while there. This was about as low key as you'll get with Brock these days, but it was seven minutes of what it needed to be and I thought he looked as great as ever. He's still an amazing salesman and I loved him almost laughing as Omos picked him up and threw him across the ring. He made all of Omos' big boy shit look nasty and Omos really laid it in on his end. There was one forearm shiver to the kidneys that they did the slow-mo replay of and Lesnar's whole body rippled like he'd been electrocuted. Lesnar dropping to a knee when his back gave out was a nice little touch that will put over the scale of a situation, just by virtue of the fact it's Lesnar and any chink in the armour is significant. It looked like he threw that first German suplex from the pits of hell the way he was damn near horizontal as he popped his hips. 

Gunther v Sheamus v Drew McIntyre

You knew what this was going to be. It was built as a match between three guys who hit hard as a bastard, who've worked matches together before where they all hit hard as a bastard. Sheamus and Gunther had that match in Cardiff that left Sheamus with a minced chest and Gunther is pretty well known as the guy who'll shred you with chops and lariats and everything else, like the modern WWE version of Kensuke Sasaki. Sometimes matches like that can feel a wee bit on the nose, where all of the hitting hard is there as some sort of demented sideshow, something that becomes the point of the match rather than the means to the end. Not that I'm opposed to a demented sideshow now and then, but sometimes winning the actual contest becomes secondary to showing how tough the wrestlers are. Now that we've all seen behind the curtain we know who likes to work stiffer and who's more inclined to lean into shit, so there was always an element of "well we know THIS isn't going to be a monkey show," but there was never a point here where it felt like Sasaki and Kobashi doing a six-minute chop battle just for the novelty of it. When any of these three hit each other I bought that it was in service of actually taking out the person on the receiving end, the ultimate goal to win the match and the title belt, not a demonstration of manliness. But of course they still absolutely walloped the shit out of each other. Sheamus either bladed his chest like a madman or the chops drew blood, and for all the times you've seen pasty white Sheamus with a blood blistered chest I don't remember him actually bleeding from them. Whenever someone was left to recuperate on the peripheries it felt warranted, rather than someone sitting out for a couple minutes so the other two could do some stuff. Running knees, big boots, headbutts, chops, forearm clubs, the whole shebang. At one point Drew headbutted Sheamus like he was a bighorn sheep. Their big exchange at the end was amazing, both of them dead on their feet, propping each other up while throwing lariats to the face and neck, not a single thing pretty about it, just muscle memory from a Scottish guy and an Irish guy that have been moulded by this sort of brutality. Gunther hitting the out of nowhere splash to save the title was an awesome moment, and then him powerbombing Sheamus ONTO Drew before finishing it off with a regular powerbomb was a spectacular finish. I also thought the commentary on both nights was really good and Michael Cole laughing his head off at what these nutjobs were doing to each other is about as relatable as he's ever been. At a certain point you just kind of forget where you are and you lose yourself in the moment like everybody else. Maybe the best triple threat WWE have ever done. 

WALTER and Dragunov! Hit each other many times!

WALTER v Ilja Dragunov (NXT Takeover 36, 8/22/21)

Cards on the table; I'm not an Ilja Dragunov fan and part of that is his face. He looks like a Young Conservative with a triple-barrel name who came through the Leicester City youth academy, and I don't even have anything against Leicester City. He also has some of the sillier silent movie facial expressions in the entire pro wrestling landscape, and that covers quite a bit of ground considering WWE in particular have everyone making hammy faces and leaning into overwrought dramatics. But it's been ages since I've watched him and my brother said I'd probably like this since I liked Gunther/Sheamus from Cardiff (which was an amazing live experience in the stadium). Dragunov still makes some ridiculous Nicolas Cage Wicker Man faces and weeps after one nearfall like the stepchild of Ohtani, but most of his stupidity was fine and at a couple points it maybe even worked for me. It can be hard to capture a sense of FIRING UP~ to push yourself through punishment without it coming off ham-fisted or goofy, and Dragunov is definitely goofy but the one big screamy moment here didn't feel wholly cliché and instead he looked like a snarling wee fuckin goblin maniac who was prepared to go to hell and back. It didn't hurt that WALTER's onslaught felt like it absolutely necessitated someone going to hell and back in order to survive. Dragunov was four shades of red and purple with one side of his chest about 80% blood blister by the end, he had a cut on his forehead from a previous match with blood crusting around the edge of it, had welts on his shoulders and neck, it looked like he'd been mauled. Which he had been, I guess. It might be the stiffest match in WWE history and certainly up there as the most violent that didn't include thumb tacks or barbed wire or Mick Foley getting yeeted off a cage. The chops to the chest were vile and then WALTER would throw even harder ones to the neck and upper back. Dragunov's Torpedo Moscow never looks great but he supplemented it by full force elbowing WALTER in the back of the head and neck, a couple of those shots being plain bonkers. I liked Dragunov's strategy from the start, actually. The early parts reminded me of Fujiwara/Maeda with this thresher of a man who could end you with a strike flurry and the smaller man having to be prepared to counter-hit at every single moment. When counter-hitting didn't work he'd just grab WALTER and throw him, but these weren't pretty throws and WALTER made him work for every one of them. As far as underdog babyface getting obliterated performances go I definitely bought into Dragunov by the end and was right behind him getting the win. So that's pretty cool, right?